Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.


A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture ofgoat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house..

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2.. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


And the best one of all:
12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Polish sausage . . .
A man walks into a store and asks...

'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I asked for Belgium Waffles, would you ask me if I was Belgium?

Or, if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, "Because you are in Home Depot."

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

One afternoon, a little duck waddles into a restaurant and asks the waiter, "Do ya got any duck food?

"No" the waiter snaps, "we don't have any duck food. We don't serve ducks here."

The little duck waddles out, only to return the next afternoon.

"Excuse me, but do ya got any duck food?"

"Look here" says the waiter, "We don't have any duck food and we don't serve ducks. Now get lost!"

The duck hops down from the table and waddles out. The next afternoon, the duck returns again....

"Do ya got any duck food?"

The waiter replies quite angrily, "NO! We don't have any duck food, and for the last time, WE DON'T SERVE DUCKS HERE!! Now, if you come in here again tomorrow asking for duck food, I'm gonna nail you up to the wall by your little webbed duck feet! Now GET OUT!"


A few days go by and in comes the duck yet again.

"Pardon me sir, but do you have any nails?"

"Nails? No, we don't have any nails." answers the waiter.

"Well good." Says the duck. "Then do ya got any duck food?"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

> KidsAreQuick
> ____________________________________
>
> TEACHER:
> Maria, go to the map and find North America
> .
> MARIA: Here
> it is.
> TEACHER:
> Correct. Now class, who discovered America
> ?
> CLASS:
> Maria.
> ____________________________________
>
> TEACHER:
> John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
> floor?
> JOHN: You told me to do
> it without using tables.
> __________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell
> 'crocodile?'
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'.
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> GLENN: Maybe it is
> wrong, but you asked me how I spell
> it.
>
> (I Love this kid)
> ____________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
> water?
> DONALD: H I J K L M N
> O.
> TEACHER: What are you talking
> about?
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's
> H to O.
> __________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Winnie, na me one important thing we have
> today that we didn't have ten years
> ago.
> WINNIE: Me!
> __________________________________________
>
>
> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so
> dirty?
> GLEN: Well,
> I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
>
> _______________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting
> with ' I. '
> MILLIE: I
> is..
> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I
> am.'
> MILLIE: All
> right... 'I am the ninth letter of
> the
> alphabet.'
>
> ________________________________
>
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped
> down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted
> it.
> Now,
> Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
> him?
> LOUIS: Because George
> still had the axe in his hand.
> ______________________________________
>
>
> TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me
> frankly, do you say prayers before
> eating?
> SIMON: No sir, I don't have
> to, my Mom is a good cook.
> ______________________________
>
> TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My
> Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you
> copy his?
>
> CLYDE : No, sir. It's the
> same dog.
> ___________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps
> on talking when people are no longer interested?
> HAROLD: A teacher
> __________________________________
>

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

Amish Sex
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold day. The daughter said to her mom, "My hands are freezing cold." The mom said, "Put them between your legs, your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, who said, "My hands are freezing." The girl said, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The next day, the boyfriend was in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl said, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The following day, the boyfriend was driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her mom, and she says, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned, the mom said, "Why, yes, why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost."

Teacher asks her class what they know about over the counter drugs and what they are good for, One girl says "Tylenol, good for headaches." A little boy says "Aleve, good for swelling." Then another little boy says "Viagra, good for diarrea." The teacher says, "What?" He said, "Ya, I heard my mom tell my dad, if you would have taken your viagra, your shit would be hard!"

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her night-gown and say 'Supersex.'

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

_____________________________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is '

Her friend glared at her. For at least a minute ... she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

_________________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Ernie, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Ernie, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Warning!! Home Depot Scam.... be very careful.

Heads up for the guys who frequent Home Depot.

Over the past month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping, don't think this can't happen to you.

Heres how the scam works.
Two serously good looking 20-21 year-old girls would stop while loading your packages. They both start wiping down your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their brests nearly falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

Impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say No and ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You would agree and off to McDonald's you go. On the way one of them would climb over the seat, takes her clothes off and starts to rub herself all over you, while the other steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 1st, 3ed, and 4th, twice on the 10th, 11th, and 14th. Also the 20th and three times on August 23rd. Things look like it will happen again this weekend as well so tell all your friends to be careful.

I found that Wallmart has wallets for sale for $2.99 each~ found even cheaper ones at K-Mart for $1.99 each, bought them out.

Also you'll never eat at McDonald's, I've lost 11 pounds already running back and forth to Home Depot.

_________________
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
M
A
G
A

Little susie came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mom- "Frankie showed me his weenie today at the playground" before her mom could say a word, Susie went on to say "it reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a smile, Susies mom asks "really small was it?" susie said, "No, salty." Mom fainted!

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the
opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less
serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was
given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had
happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled
to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got
what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat,
good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to
drive. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so
does Nancy Pelosi!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road,
shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I..s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell , and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'


'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing,
Sergeant,' said the crew member,
'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch when he noticed an old friend. What really caught his attention was that this friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew his old buddy to be a fairly conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The farmer walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," the fellow replied sheepishly.

The farmer was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the best of him and he asked "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck," the man replied.

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

A guy goes to the local Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100% ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 a.m."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., then why do you want me to come in at 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer explains. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that."

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

Some time this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus
payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the
Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy ofChina?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go toIndia .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico,
Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan orKorea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go toTaiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer, or
5 tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

The sick Mexican husband was lying on his death bed. He had only
a couple of hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He dearly
loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife
Chita 's tamales. With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and
body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, a cross the
floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing
the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of
the freshly made tamales, his wife, Chita , smacked him in the back of
the head with a wooden spoon, "Leave them alone, pendejo! ....They're
for the funeral!"

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I actually did once." "And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us!"

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

Joe goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come foward to the front of at the alter.

Joe gets in line,and when it's his turn,the preacher asks,"Joe, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Joe replies,"Preacher,I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Joe's ear,and places the other hand on top of Joe's head and prays and prays.

After a few minutes,the preacher removes his hands,stands back and asks Joe,"How is your hearing now?

Joe says,"I don't know Reverend,it's not untill next Wednesday."

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

An Irish priest was transferred from Ireland to Texas ..

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning and it was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment........................ Father O'Malley then replied:
''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Your a hoot TB,,,that's what you are,,,a hoot

_________________
If your clutch ain't slippin,, you probably got it adjusted right!!!!!

Thank you, thank you.
I'm here til the funeral............

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

How bad IS the economy?!


The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.



The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Little long but a lotta truth in this one..........


Just a few random thoughts to make you smile, laugh or ponder...

1 -I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

2 -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me..

3 -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

4 -I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

5 -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180° and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6 -That's enough, Nickelback.

7 -I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

8 -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

9 -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

10 -There is a great need for sarcasm font.

11 -Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

12 -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minute shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

13 -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14 -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15 - I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16 -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17 - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18 - LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

19 - I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

20 - Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

21 - Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

22 - How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

23 - I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a wiener from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

24 - Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in....(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

25 -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

26 - While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

27 - MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

28 - Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

29 - I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

30 -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

31 -I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

32 - Bad decisions make good stories

33 -Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

34 - Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

35 -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible..

36 -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

37 -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

38 -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

39 -There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

40 -I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

41 - "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

42 -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

43 -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

44 - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

45 -When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

46 -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

47 -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

48 - As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

49 -Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

50 -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

51 -I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

52 -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

53 -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

54 -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

55 -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN..com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

56 -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit..

57 -I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

58 -I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

59 -The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

THE CRUISE


DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the
Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off
the deck.
Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time.
He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.
Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a
luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay
the night but I declined. Told him I
could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburned, went inside to drink at
piano bar for rest of day.
Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.
Again I declined.
He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me, he
would sink the ship.
I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Saved 1600 lives today - twice.


Progress not perfection

_________________
Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

/\/\/\

PHONE REPAIR




Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008


A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.



Thought you'd like to know.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page