Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Q. Why do men break wind more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and
replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and TAKES him on a walkabout,
he shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son
replies : ' WHITE '.
he does the same for the dishwasher,
the washing machine, Fridge
the stove, etc etc.
Then he tells the son:





'Son, all household appliances come in white

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.

That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a mo-ped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $100,000."

"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The mo-ped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his mo-ped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the mo-ped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a mo-ped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man! Of course, the mo-ped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror, please."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

what do you call 40 michigan men watching the super bowl on television? THE DETROIT LIONS

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

I was at the store I asked the guy for pound of polish sausage. he said your from poland arnt you I said no why . he said this is homedepot

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.



I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.



I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.



I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.



I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).



Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.



I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.



I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.



ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.



I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.



I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.



I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.



I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.



I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.



THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.



I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.



I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.



AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.



I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.



I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.



I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.



I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.



I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .



I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.



THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.



AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.



I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!



I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .



Oh, by the way.....



A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

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harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine Scented deodorizer.


Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff the air and the Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?”


“Well, yes I do,” he replied.


“What does it smell like?” she asked.


The bemused gentleman answered, “I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone took a crap under a Christmas tree.”

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harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the Rules "
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question that you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer that you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.

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harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.


Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.


There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde I'm going SOUTH for the season

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harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

... Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said,

"If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says,

"You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many
times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.

POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream."

She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours! Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father stops at a vacant lot, takes a deep breath and tells his son: "To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers."

The son looks at his father and asked: "Dad, what are the Twin Towers?"

Father says: "My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremendously tall buildings with lots of offices that were the heart of the United States, but approximately
31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings."

The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his
father: "Daddy, what are Arabs?"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

The Indian & The Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse.
How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk.
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this.
Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me.
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk.
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

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Tony

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion.

He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of
condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm
dating Susan!'

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

The Word "Service"



I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to'service' a few cows.


BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightend as I am.

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