A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your husband said so."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Do you know why most black men cry when having sex?










THE MACE

_________________

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he
accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said,
'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi
can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible
techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

The photos below capture a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect wildlife in the USA . Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party..... as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.....



Still waiting........



Where the heck is my dinner????????

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

BLACK bear!!

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

No pun intended!

_________________
When in doubt, hit it in second gear!

AWESOME ANAGRAMS

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

No no pun intended at all accept the bear is BLACK!!

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college
graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be
executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the
night before.


The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair
and is asked if she has any last words. She says, 'I just graduated from
Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene
on the behalf of the innocent.'

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all
immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and
release her.


The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last
words.

'I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe
in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.'

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they
all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.


The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says,

'Well, I'm from Texas A&M University and just graduated with a degree in
Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna
electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife
and said, "'Honey, tell me something that will make me Happy and Sad all
at the same time."

She said..."'You have the biggest d**k of all your friends.".............

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

HAHAHAHAHAHAH Turbo Blue!!! best i have heard

"You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in
the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful
he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland '

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane.

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your a@# from drowning!'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender. “This month – so far – not a cent.”

Witness

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the
blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.

Y'all, I laughed till I cried over this one.........

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with, right??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and. . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Why, Why, Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? (.lol.. Now that is funny right there!)

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Holy Cow Darlene!!! That tazer one almost killed me. My cheeck and stomach are still killing me. It was almost as good as the "Chili cookoff" one months ago.

_________________
When in doubt, hit it in second gear!

I called my older brother, Doug, in Nashville, and read it to him because the whole time I was reading it, I could PERFECTLY picture him doing it.....(His wife even has a cat) It sounds JUST like him....It WAS funny, but I don't know if it topped the Chili Cook0ff...... That one was one of the funniest things I ever read............. I STILL go back and re-read that one every couple of weeks...... It just doesn't get old!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The t rick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . .. . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to
dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word, or two?'

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls.
He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.
"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool..
They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"
The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Lard-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

You can't read these and stay in a bad mood :



1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.


2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.



3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?

They Take The Psycho Path



4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.



5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!



6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids



7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick


8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.



9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.



10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko..



11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.



12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.



13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.



14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?



15.. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him..



16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.



17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog



18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.



19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.




20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.



21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.



22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer



Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile !

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene