Q: What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?

A: One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Cover charge: $15.00

Round of drinks: $23.00

Table dance: $30.00

Another round of drinks: $23.00

Couch dance and tips: $50.00

A round of shots: $34.00

A Bottle of Dom and a Limo home: $125.00

Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00

Sending her on her way and never having to hear her complain: Priceless

For everthing else, there's MasterCard

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors
-------------------------

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.


9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TRYING IT TWICE
(This was sent in large type so you can read it.)

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body: A Frenchman, 72, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"Second body: "Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. DEAN MARKS, the Redneck from OHIO, 45, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

OOOOOOOOHHHH, Brett, you are in TROUBLE

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Now that's just down right funny.


The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

Funny Pres. Candidate Bumper Stickers

So, you think you could do better? Have at it Bro.

Barak Is A Lock
Bad Bowlers For Barack
Vote Barack =Free Car From Oprah
I Love B.O.
Yo Momma, Vote Obama
Get Us Out Of Hock Vote Barack
Get Over The Shock Vote Barack

Vote McCain, "You Little Jerk"
Cussers For McCain
McBush/McCain = McSame
Lovers Of Pain Vote McCain
McCain's Too Late in 2008
I'm For McCain,Why? I Can't Explain. Join Me.

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Got this from an 88 year-old woman...

"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Frieda"
"Frieda who?"
"Frieda you--everyone else pays $100 bucks."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset -- "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll ever say to me!!....And the husband began --"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was thin, poorly dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days ! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night - the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, But don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your Anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I went and found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas - the one that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at that expensive shoe boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to
the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

OMG!!! You'll are so bad!!...but oh so funny!!! I love to check out the jokes and get a good laugh every day!!!
I can never remember them really , but keepem rolling in.
Sandra

_________________
George & "G"girl --George went and got his own login so it just me... Sandra

A day spent with friends is always a day well spent!

Just because your mouth has the ability to open, doesn't mean you should let it.

Thank you........thank you very much Sandra.
I'm here all week, month, year........

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

This was from another site but so damn funny I had to put it over here............
Last paragraph was from the OP.

A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up! She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says... Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo' ! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office!

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Now thats just tooooooooooooooo Damm Funny!

_________________
Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

another good one turboblue!!

_________________
George & "G"girl --George went and got his own login so it just me... Sandra

A day spent with friends is always a day well spent!

Just because your mouth has the ability to open, doesn't mean you should let it.

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..


The son sees his Mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'


The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'


'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.


'Why is that?' the Mom asked puzzled.


'Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

_________________
Rick

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno's.What you do today,Might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow

Gorilla Control

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
name was 'Onestone.'

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,

'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good
morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all thenext
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!


What is the moral of this story?????...........................

OH, Come on... take a guess!



Think about it...



(You're going to love this!)




And the moral is...



You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

This little 7 year old boy was sitting at his desk in school and he was squirming and squirming around. Finally the teacher asks him what is wrong.
He tells her he is sore because he just got circumsised yesterday.

She tells him to go and see the principal. He goes to the principal and comes back 5 minutes later with his penis hanging out of his fly.

The teacher is outraged and asked him the meaning of this type of behaviour.

He says "The principal asked me to see if I could stick it out until the end of the school day"!!!!

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Good one /\/\/\/\/\/\/\.................

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline


Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.

The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!

That would be 11 million less people using our gas.

The price of gas would come down.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Border.

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq .

Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military.

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot.

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

Problem solved.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

You gotta love George's line of reasoning......

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compass ionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50 not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer


Men are just TOO easy

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

I am a man and I subscribe to the two step process.............

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Now THAT'S a shock Turbo


DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite!

11:00 am - Went to the vet. Bummer.

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My
Favorite!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite!







CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
Inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up
my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell th e food . I overheard that my confinement
was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.

He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe -- for now. It is time for me to clean myself thoroughly and then lick the captors face. It is the only bright spot in my day.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

i always said cats are evil!!!!!!!!!!!!

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government