One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.

"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."

The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

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harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

Arthur (Harley) Davidson, died and went to Heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've changed the World with your Bikes, you can hang out with anyone you want here in Heaven"

Arthur said," I want to hang out with God Himself."

St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "So your the man who invented the Harley Davidson Motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes a lot of noise and smoke and you can only use it on paved roads?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, you invented Women?'

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "One professional to another, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmm, you have some good points there Arthur," replied God, "but more Men are riding my invention than yours."

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harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

A man comes home and ask his wife to tell him something to make him happy and mad she think about it an says i got it you got the bigs dick of all your friends

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drive it like you know how too fix it

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhoea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assure her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

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Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.

"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest.

"Did you take my advice?"

"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."

"What's that, my son?"

"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?"

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A preist who was doing confession had to use the bathroom. He noticed a janitor walking by and asked him to fill in for a bit. The janitor said that he did not know what to do. The preist said just listen to their confessions. When they are done tell them to say a couple Hail Marys and sin no more. The janitor agreed and sat down. The first person to confess was a beautifull young women. She told the "preist" that she had done something terrible. She had gone out with her husbands best freind and she had performed oral sex on him. The janitor was not sure what to do for such a awful sin. Surly Hail Marys were not going to set this right. The janitor then saw an alter boy walking by. He slipped out and asked the young man "what does the preist give for a blow job?" The little boy looked at him and said "Usually a Snickers bar"

Ewwwwww Ugh Gag Male-Male....Gal-Gal.......It is just ---- Ewwwww Add the Priest in the mix and it is just wrong......on every level........

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"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

At a lose for words there Gatorgal! However I do agree!

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Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

Smart Girl

A blondie walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blondie for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blondie returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blondie replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

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Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

haha nasty! both were kinda f'd up but hauling a 55 gallon drum of jick around in your truck. thats just wrong on so many levels haha good one!

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2332cc Air Cooled Screaming Meanie. Predator Singleseat.

"Lets go get stupid"

Ody, I was just overwhelmed with the urge to yak..... I think I was looking like him without the smile.....

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"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pounds king crab and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.

Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am, just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting
for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow,
you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious
voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?
They both leave children's bedrooms with an empty sack.

How do you know it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

Whats the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
One is white, made of plastic, and dangerous for children to play with. The other carries groceries.

What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
They both know how to rear a child.

What do second place race horses and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both come in a little behind.

How do we know MJ is guilty?
Because he's been fingered by several children.

What do MJ and BK have in common?
the both stick there meat in 11 year old buns

why did michal jackson have plactic surgery?
to look better 4 bubbles

What do Micheal Jackson and an xbox have in common?
they are both made of plastic and little children turn them on

Hey!!!! Did you all hear!? Micheal Jackson was found dead yesterday! Report said the cause of his death was airway blockage. It seem that he was eating something when he died. When doing an autopsy, the doctor found a 12 years old wiener in his mouth.

why does MJ like 26 year olds?
because there are 20 of them

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A public school teacher was arrested this morning at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isos Celes used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A man went to the docter complaining of stomach pains

The docter said he has a very bad infection and every 6 hours he should put one of the provided rubbery bullets up his rear, the docter 'reluctently' said "I'll do the first one for you"

6 hours later the man was trying to put the rubbery bullet in, he realised he coulden't do this himself, so he asked his wife to do it for him.....

His wife put one hand on his shoulderand used the other to insert the bullet, as soon as she put her hand in he let out a very loud scream.

she asked "have I hurt you?"

He replied "no, I have just realized when the docter did it he had two hands on my shoulders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

_________________
Rick

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno's.What you do today,Might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line.

Just one lady in front of me . . an Oriental lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'.

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

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Mike
Got Honda?

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Where did you say the weenie trail is?

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine, will never be able to support you.

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Ok, not the best "Bubba" joke in the world, but........

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network
a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, the "Newnan Times Herald", a local newspaper in Georgia, reported the following:

'After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near Newnan in Coweta County Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Georgia had already gone wireless.'

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"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'


He never heard the shot....

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the US Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners

1.Never take a beer to a job interview.

2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3.It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5.Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2.Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home

1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys

2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

1.Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2.Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'

3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4.Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'

Weddings

1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4.Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5.It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette

1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4.When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:

1.All the DNA is the same.

2.There are no dental records

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page