The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage
seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
Share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman
all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to
treat-a her needza, spend da money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her
to Italy for the 20th anniversary!'

The Priest responded, 'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
Your 50th anniversary.'

Luigi proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.
The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me make love to you for a dollar?"
"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.
A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me make love to you for a million dollars?"
After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would."
Again the man returned to his newspaper.
A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me make love to you for five dollars?"
"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

Do you know why guys put masking tape around a hamster????

So they won't expode when they f*ck them.

_________________
"Loud pipes saves lives"

damn chad thats fucked up

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

This is a true story....but nobody believes me!

One day I went out back into the woods with my .22 rifle to go squirrel hunting. I walked and walked around until I heard some movement in the trees, then I stood there where the sound was coming from and saw a squirrel running from tree to tree and finally it stopped. I aimed the rifle at him and shot at him, but he took off running like I missed him, I thought "I know I shot him!!" then I walked towards the spot under the tree limb from where he was, I saw blood splattered around the leaves and I saw something laying on the ground, I reached down and picked them up and realized they were the front teeth from the squirrel that I shot.

I went home and told my wife to come here and look at these teeth, I told her "Do you know what these are?" and she says "They look like teeth or something" and I said "I shot at this squirrel and the bullet took his front teeth out" and she did not believe a word I said to her.

About a week later, I walked outside in the backyard and I heard "Crack, crack, crack" I looked around to see what that sound was coming from, and I saw a squirrel sitting on a limb with a rock hitting his acorn trying to get it open.

_________________
"Loud pipes saves lives"

[quote='Baddvw']Do you know why guys put masking tape around a hamster????

So they won't expode when they f*ck them. [/quote]

It's Joke of the Day, not nasty visual of the day.........yuk.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

It may be very dirty, but I thought it is a very funny joke.....you don't have to try it to see if it works LOL Just kidding, Is all of the other jokes that you are putting on here coming from another website? Just highlight the words and copy them to paste them on here? There is nothing wrong with that.....some of them are funny as hell!

_________________
"Loud pipes saves lives"

[quote='Baddvw']It may be very dirty, but I thought it is a very funny joke.....you don't have to try it to see if it works LOL Just kidding, Is all of the other jokes that you are putting on here coming from another website? Just highlight the words and copy them to paste them on here? There is nothing wrong with that.....some of them are funny as hell![/quote]

I painstakingly thought of all those and type them out one letter at a time................NOT

It is stuff peop

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Golfer's would appreciate this one



GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME



1. MONICA LEWINSKI

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON


WHY YOU ASK?

Well, you're going to love this!<

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.

How we got 10 Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make
your lives better.

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments? "

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments. "

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and
Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments. "

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shall not
steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments. "

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not

commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments. "

"Commandments? " They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

"I don't want to know" the child cried,bursting into tears."Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed,"When I was six I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, I got hit with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown ups don't really get laid, then I have nothing else to live for!"

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother.

'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

Enjoy this one.



What Do Retired People Do All Day?



Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.


We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.


We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'


He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.


He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tyres.


So my wife called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.


Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.


Personally, we didn't care. We'd come into town by bus.


We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.


It's important at our age.

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

TENNESSEE GHOST STORY....

This happened about a while ago just outside a little town in the
mountains of Tennessee, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale, it's real.

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a really dark night in
the middle of a thunder storm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he
could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car
moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It
slowly
crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride really bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the
door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too
scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve,
still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his
life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the
marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand
appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel,
guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he
could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two
shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural
experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized
the guy was telling the truth and was not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
the other: "Look Bubba, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we
were pushing it in the rain."

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Darn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
> attractive woman.
> The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
> gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
>
> She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
> decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering
> for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
>
> The note read:
> "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
> garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
>
> After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in
> return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
> to return this to the woman.
>
> It read:
> "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
> CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful
> homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas, and
> there is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, NOT even
> for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send
> the bottle back"

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'


Now thats Funny!

_________________
Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

Game Warden vs. The Hillbilly

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license,and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Kentucky . This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license,boy?'

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi . You got a Mississippi license?'

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina . You got a South Carolina huntin' license?'

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, 'Boy, just where the hell are you from?'

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,'You tell me. You're the expert.'

I thought this was cute.....

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the

Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my

mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit,

I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry

it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not

lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When

they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official

asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to

declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you

have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but

which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK........

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I purchased:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict?s intuition, since I was indeed single I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you are absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

DADDY LONGLEGS

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their
Wyoming ranch.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
then took her foot and stomped them flat and said.

'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our
garden!'


Larry

[quote='kybuggy1']

'Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our
garden!'


Larry[/quote]

TOOOOOOO FUNNNNNNYYYYY!!!!!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a pub, followed by a lesbian, a dog, and a white horse.

The barman says, "is this a joke or what?"

----------------------------------------------------
A brain went into a pub and says, "Pint of lager, please."

"Sorry mate, you're already out of your head," the barman replies.

--------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his underpants.

"Is that painful?" the barman asks.

"It's driving me nuts!" the man replies.

----------------------------------------------------

Two drunks are in a pub sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.

One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."

Fits mine to a tee!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the barman, "How much for a beer?"

"For you, no charge," the barman replies.

----------------------------------------------------

A sandwich goes into a pub, walks up to the barman, and says, "Pint of lager please."

"Sorry mate," says the barman, "we don't serve food in here."

----------------------------------------------------

A man approaches a lady in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I'd love to fill your fanny with Guinness and then drink it all." The woman runs off to her husband in disgust and tells him what has just happened.

"Aren't you going to sort him out then?" she asks.

"Nah, any man who can drink 25 pints is alright in my book."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!