Don't they wish.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said:
'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
camping, drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never
had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get
fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the
hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports,
never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self
esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants
and was pleasant all the time.

The End.


The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

[quote='The Wild Kids']Don't they wish.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said:
'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
camping, drank martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house, never
had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get
fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the
hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports,
never wore friggin'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Now that was pretty good. Talk about leading ya down the wrong path!

_________________
Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

[quote='Odyknuck']Now that was pretty good. Talk about leading ya down the wrong path![/quote]

I know, I thought she was trying to convert him......

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

THE DANCER

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so
forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied,

'Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is
really good, she will go home with Some guy and stay with him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your mother?'

'No,' the boy said, 'She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President,

but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

[quote="GatorGal"

I hate shopping......I mean, I DESPISE shopping, don't drink anymore, love to cook, love watching baseball, whether there or on TV (caught a foul ball at a Braves game once a few yrs ago) don't care if I look fab or not, still gonna wear my sweat pants and REFUSE to wear butt floss....my house stays clean, my husband will eat chocolate with me, I am not lonely, and am only unpleasant if somebody messes with me or mine.....

John, this gal you wrote about sounds like a self-centered b*#ch.... and the "had many lovers? Probably a little bit of a whore, too.......the poor man just didn't realize what a favor she was doing for him.... [/quote]

Somehow I knew you would chime in on this one. She is a bit of a flake in ways. She calls herseld a Gothic MILF, well at 250+ pounds I guess someone would want to, not me though. Talk to you soon. girl.

John

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

A man walks into the doctor's office with 2 black eyes and
a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.


Naturally the doctor asks why, and the man begins his story.


"Well, my wife and I went out for a quiet day of golf on Father

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time,

"How many women have you slept with?"



"Darling," he protests, "If I told you, you'd have a fit."



She promises she won't get angry and convinces him to

tell her.



"Okay," he says, then starts to count on his fingers,

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's

you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..."



The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

[quote='The Wild Kids']"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time,

"How many women have you slept with?"



"Darling," he protests, "If I told you, you'd have a fit."



She promises she won't get angry and convinces him to

tell her.



"Okay," he says, then starts to count on his fingers,

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's

you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..."

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Yea Buddy!

_________________
Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on patients' medical charts:

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


My personal favorite was the thyroid......I DID think it was a kinda rough route to go to check it, though......

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while

they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Ralph suddenly

jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed

there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom

and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of

Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the

hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have

good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,

since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and

saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act

displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the

bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,

but he's dead. '

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala

where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was

'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far

over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard

and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's

the matter with you?

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was

sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,got too stoned and

then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and

walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting

finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....How much water did you drink?!!'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
"Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an arm pit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[quote='bruce 1']Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
"We

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.






On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.


They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.


Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.


Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.


She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!


I JUST LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU ???

_________________
If your clutch ain't slippin,, you probably got it adjusted right!!!!!

Now thats Priceless!

_________________
Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

I wish I would have thought of that before my ex took everything but the refridgerator and fouton.

_________________
When in doubt, hit it in second gear!

As you may have heard the Fed has said each and every one of us would now get a nice tax rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy hookers and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

I thought I put this on already,,guess not or maybe it was zapped by the moderator,,,I will try again,,,,
http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=1&attid ... 833c9c53ba

_________________
If your clutch ain't slippin,, you probably got it adjusted right!!!!!

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...
She is speaking in a cheery voice "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?
Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A widowed lady, Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel in Miami Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, spread his blanket on the sand nearby, and had begun reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sarah asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied "How did you know my name is Katz?"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

summers eve has a new douche made of marijuana, deodorant and kentucky fried chicken. it leaves women high, dry and finger lickin good :

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!