One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe two years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that child can reach to get water is the toilet?'"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Maude and John, both 91, lived in The Villages, in
Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and
discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, John asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic
restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his
place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being
no inhibitor, Maude soon joined John for a most enjoyable
roll in the sack. As they were basking in the glow of the
magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time
in their own thoughts...

John was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have
been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I
would have taken off my pantyhose.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling", then proceeded to explain what that meant.
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you. '

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

[quote='bruce 1']Need one expert trapper of animal to go to Washington for a small job. I understand that there is a Beaver and a coon that is trying to get in the White House.
[/quote]


i got that one in a text message last week, i laughed my ass off, great one.

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of whom confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.

Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

An elementary school teacher asked her class how they would politely excuse themselves to go to the bathroom if they were on a date at a nice restuarant. She cautioned them that they must be very polite.

One little boy put up his hand and said, "I'd tell her I have to go pee."

The teacher shook her head, and said no, that wasn't polite.

A girl put up her hand and said, "I'd say I have to go to the bathroom".

The teacher said that was better, but still not polite.

Another boy put up his hand and said, "I'd tell her 'I'm going to go shake hands with my best friend, and I hope you meet him later tonight'".

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

big chief was "very hung," had many many children. big chief went to trading post and asked trader for something to stop many many children. trader said i've got something; the trader went out back and come out with a condom. big cheif went home shacked up with squanto. big chief went back to trader..... chief said no good; right nut goes hummMmm, left nut goes hummMmm, big dick goes copluie! trader says lemme see what else i've got...... he come back with some bubble gum and surane wrap. big chief and squanto goes back at it.... chief winds back up at trading post the next day. big chief says no good again, big chief mad! trader asks what happened!?!? chief says; squanto smokes big chief peace pipe last night and we practice making baby... left nut goes hummMmm, right nut goes hummMmm.. big chief dick go copluie. hummMmm says trader!?! lemme see.... trader comes back with a unique device consisting of a garden hose, a quark, and 2 hose clamps. humm says big chief, i'm sceptable of this, me go home and try once more! so..... big chief and squanto go at it again... big chief come back to trading post next day and tells trader no no no no! trader ask; what's wrong this time?!?! big chief says; right nut goes hummMmm.. big dick goes hummMmm... left nut goes COPLUIE!!!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own freaking business

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just freaking beautiful!'"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'", replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the freaking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

[quote='turtleman']A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I ha

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

Osama Binladen is sitting in the desert with his camels and taliban. He spots a lone U.S. soldier on top of a sand dune. The soldier says send 3 of your best men and i'll whoop em single handed.
Not to be outdone he sends 3 men armed to the teeth, they chase the soldier over the hill, and all hell breaks loose. Gun shots, screaming, blood, spit and eyeballs go flying. The soldier tops the sand dune agian and yells to Osama, send 10 of your best men and i'll kill em like I killed those 3.
Osama's towel is starting to get a little hot so he sends 10 more to meet the challenge. They chase the soldier over the hill and all of them meet their doom in a horrible bloody death.
The soldier tops the hill once more and yell's out, send every last camel herder you got up here and I'll lay em down. Osama in a fit of rage commands his men to charge the lone soldier and they chase him over the hill. The sounds of war begin, cannons, fire bombs, guns, screams of horror, body parts flying everywhere. All goes quiet and Osama see's one of his men missing a leg and bleeding profusly crawling back over the hill.
Osama starts running toward him, but the dying man waves him off and says run, run, its a trap, there's two of them!!

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

DERN TOOTIN!!!!!!!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for cars

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Drunk man returns home to his angry wife who asked him

Wife: Drunk again eh... How much did you spend tonite down at the bar?

Man: bout a 100 bucks i spose

Wife: What?!?!?! 100 bucks?? Do you know how long that will last me??

Man: Well lets see... You dun smoke.. you never drink and you got your own damn pussy... i reckon 100 bucks will last you forever.

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails. One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another. He was holding the nail upside down. He unexpectedly threw the nail away. He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in. He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over.

"Eh, what you doing? How come
you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked. "Because they're upside down," the friend replied. The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene