Not really a joke, but......

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on
Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's
details;" or putting it another way....
Who's yo Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out
#11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand
Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my
stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country . Please
advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they
all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956
Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right - you are all paying taxes to
support these dim wits!!!!!!!!!!!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

One for the ladies..........

Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.. 2) Drink a cup of coffee 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent:Oil Change: $20.00 Coffee: $1.00 Total: $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18 ) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin cussing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 28 ) Beer. 29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands.. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35) Be er. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38 ) Car gets impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent:Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1500.00 Beer: $20.00 Total: $4,145.00 .....

But you know the job was done right!

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls, but they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each illegal alien a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart people, has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E TEN C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shall Not Steal," "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ... It creates a hostile work environment

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

true on all 3 counts

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

Turbo I say it again U DA MAN

damn turbo, you got all the good ones!

A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her aournd in his Mercedes and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000.00 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeh, well...you started it."


The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

guy goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled

the dentist goes to give him a shot--hes says -- no way, im deathly afraid of needles

the dentist says , no problem--we'll use gas-- no way doc, the mask makes me feel like im suffocating

the dentist says, what about pills-- do you got anything against pills--guy says nope pills are ok

doc tosses him a blue pill, and says take this-- its viagra

guy says i didnt know viagra works for pain doc-- dentist says it dont, but it'll give you something to hold on to while i pull your tooth

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all
my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him,
with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into
the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there
dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished
the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she
came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked
the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish
enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a
Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put
that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with
him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into
my account, and wrote him a check....

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WAL-MART!


Why WAL-MART??


HELLOOOOOOOOO!



WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Two Irishmen in a bar and one said to the other.

"Hey! Can you tell me what the date is please?"

"No idea." says the other.

"But you've got a newspaper in your pocket," he says.

"Sorry mate, its no use, it's yesterday's!"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

THREE WOMEN , TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH.

NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID .........

WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Purple that last one was cool

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...

Are - my - test - results - back?

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

I'm not sure how many on here are old enough to know who Conway Twitty was, but I thought this was funny........


The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, 'Conway Twitty!'

'No ma'am,' he replied. 'I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you.'
So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.

'Oh my God!' she exclaimed. 'It's Conway Twitty!'

And the preacher said...........


' Hello, Darlin!! '

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch."What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I''ll take the Mexican."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children.


The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and there are only three
parachutes.


The doctor yells out, " Save the children"
The lawyer yells out "fudge THE CHILDREN!"
The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

There was this 80 year old man went to the doctor and ask doc for some viagra. Doc said sir won't that be a little hard on you.He said doc i just need it so i won't fall out of bed.

_________________
If it feels good, hold it to the floor and pour it to it!
http://www.dandkoff-roadpark.com/FORSALE.html

Need one expert trapper of animal to go to Washington for a small job. I understand that there is a Beaver and a coon that is trying to get in the White House.

hope that neither one makes it there too.

The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

[quote='bruce 1']Need one expert trapper of animal to go to Washington for a small job. I understand that there is a Beaver and a coon that is trying to get in the White House.
[/quote]
TOOOOOOOO FUNNNYYYY BRUCE1!!!!!!!!!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Ben Franklin said, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria." In a number of carefully
controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter
of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In
other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run
that risk when drinking wine &beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other
liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine =
Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it
as a public service.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene