SUNDAY MORNING SEX
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katiewent straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-oldgrandmother to comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,'He Had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years oldhaving sex would surely be asking for trouble.'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing ouradvanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the churchbells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued 'He'd still be alive ifthe ice cream truck hadn't come along.

_________________
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman

good one dean hahhaha

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, 'Going to a party ?'

'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed representing the way my life is.'

'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep.

'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate" so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My sisters sweater has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

did you hear about the retarded baby just born in china? named him SUM TING WONG!!

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

During a recent poll in Washington D.C., women were asked if they would sleep with Bill Clinton? 84% responded 'not again.'

_________________
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman

Subject: FW: Top Ten Signs You Might Be Taliban





Ten Signs You Might Be Taliban ...


10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to
beer.

9. You own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in
your robe.

4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my butt look fat?"

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

2. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your
cave."

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban ...

1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

_________________
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman

For those that don't know, the number one reason is sad but very true!

_________________
Where did you say the weenie trail is?

Are you serious? EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! That's just nasty......... So, all beer drinking bacon-eaters are evil infidels? That's tooooooooo funny.........

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ......Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .......Government Bonds . They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ......Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.



The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

Excuses For Missing Work


My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.

My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me I was Jewish.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!


The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

A HANDFUL OF FAMOUS BEER QUOTES


Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway

He was a wise man who invented beer. --
Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.
--David Daye

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin


The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT


This Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story.
"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?" the bartender asked.
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and came straight back here. Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRUNK WHEN...


? You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
? You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
? Job interfering with your drinking.
? Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
? Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
? The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
? Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
? 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
? Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
? You can focus better with one eye closed.
? The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
? Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
? Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
? Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
? At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
? Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
? You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
? The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

FIVE WHISKEY SHOTS


A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have.", said the man.
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man drunkenly replies, "I have a dollar."

The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

> >> Senator Hillary Clinton and former Attorney General Janet Reno
> >> were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to
> >> Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men
> >> seeking sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no
> >> telling where he's been last."
> >>
> >> Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged
> >> (that's politically correct for ugly as a mud fence) does not
> >> mean I don't have to fight off occasional unwelcome advances."
> >>
> >> Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"
> >>
> >> Janet replies, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to
> >> make a pass at me, I muster all my might, tense, and squeeze to
> >> break wind as loud and hard as I can."
> >>
> >> That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when
> >> Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and
> >> knew that he would want some action. She had been saving gas all
> >> day long and was ready for him. She tenses up and forces out the
> >> most disgusting sound you could imagine.
> >>
> >> Bill rolled over and said, "Janet, is that you?"

[quote='GatorGal']1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ......Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like D

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and s--t is everywhere. On him, the walls, the floor etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, & knocks on the door. The
trucker lowers the window, & she says "Hi, my name is Heather &
you're losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her & proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up & knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, & you're losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again & continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, & you're losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up & races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, & runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Minnesota & I'm driving a SALT TRUCK!"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex
together over fifty years ago? We went behind
this very tavern where you leaned against the
back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll
around there again and we can do it for old
time's sake?'
'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like
a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly a long, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.


This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.


After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

BELIEVE it or not ,
These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on
The corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
Cheese sandwich . Dispatcher : Excuse me? Caller : I made a ham and cheese
Sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the
Bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher : Was anything else
Taken? Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and
Tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven
On it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I
Think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie
is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fi!fties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree??'
'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A young boy asks his Dad,

"What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says,

"You are my son. I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there is also my son. That's confidential!" .

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to
reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a
Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No,Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of
a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about
his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch
fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to
visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his
dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's
Dinner"

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and
that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The
Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special
recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You f#@kers are my kind of people!"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene