Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under
the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any
underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up
again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed
and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her
husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her
house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp -
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500."

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He
came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd
stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage
seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
Share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman
all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to
treat-a her needza, spend da money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her
to Italy for the 20th anniversary!'

The Priest responded, 'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
Your 50th anniversary.'

Luigi proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'

_________________
Where did you say the weenie trail is?

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

_________________
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman

[quote='D. Marks']A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."[/quote]

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

this psychiatrist stops at the hospital everyday to check on his patients--one day he walks in and the nurse says doc you have 3 new patients
so he goes to the first room-walks in and sees a guy dribbling an imaginary basketball. He says whats your story-i cant help you if you dont tell me whats wrong.- guy says doc , all my life ive wanted to dribble a basketball--im gonna practice till i get it right-ill be outta here-- Doc says you keep practicing and ill see you tommorrow
So doc goes to the 2cnd room, walks in and sees a guy pretending to swing a bat. He says whats your story?- guy says doc all my life, i have wanted to hit a homerun- im gonna practice till i get it right, and ill be outta here--Doc says you keep practicing and ill see you tommorrow.
Doc walks to the 3rd room wondering what hes gonna find. When he walks in he sees a guy laying naked on the bed with a hard on sticking straight in the air--balanced on the head of it is a peanut. Doc asks buddy whats your story-im not sure i want to know-but i have to ask--guy says its like this doc im F ing nuts and i aint ever gettin out of here!!

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

To go along with buggymethis Italian joke:

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire an Italian
until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question,"
the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy," and he proceeds
to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says
the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you
go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Datsa 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,

but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and
says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha
tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd,
and dirty tree and a turd, datsa makea one hundred. So, when do I
start?"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi
recently with two ice chests full of fish.

He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.


The game warden asked the man,
'Do you have a license to catch those fish?

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck.
'I ain't got none of them there licenses.
You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake
and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle,
they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said,
'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll sh ow ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
...

Moral of the story:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers,
but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South,
but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

Dirty tree and a turd? I have heard it all now.....I am still laughing every time I think about it.......where DO you get these?

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Got this today in an email. Your gonna laugh!!

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

I am Posting this for Wild Kids.....

Names have been removed to protect the stupid !


Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.


I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.


The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since
they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me
when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the
bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it
should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its
head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.


The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.


They were not having any of it.


After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a
likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my
rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.


I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell
it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.


I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on
the rope and then received an education.


The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you
start pulling on that rope.


That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could
fight down with a rope and with some dignity.


A deer-- no chance.


That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling
it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer
on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.


The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
animals.


A brief 10 minutes later, i t was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the
big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Part 2

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.


At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that
moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was
mutual.


Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly
enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny
amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the
deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up
in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before
hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.


I got it to back in there and I s tarted moving up so I could get my rope
back.


Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would
have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when
I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.


Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they
just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head
--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.


The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it
was likely only several seconds.


I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right
arm, I reached up with m y left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was
when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.


Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves
are surprisingly sharp.


I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes
at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to
do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the
animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.


This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, s uch trickery would
not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.


I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.


The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse
that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it wi ll hit you in the
back of the head.


Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as
strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me
right in the back of the head and knocked me down.


Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.


I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.


So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Thanks Gatorgirl I appreciate it. Hope everyone gets a laugh at it.
The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

John, I was almost unable to post it due to the almost overwhelming need to go to the potty.....That was hilarious!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

I was laughing and coughing my head off reading it. Have the dang flu now. Little man didn't know what to think of me laughing like I was. He didn't have the patience to stand there and let me try to read it to him.
I like the other one too about the toilet paper, know a girl that would believe that one.

The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

Things Got Ya Down?

Well Then, Consider These . . .
.............................
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died
in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am ,
regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am. , all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the
Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00.
At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy,
with some kind of wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse
in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs
broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly .

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was
blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge pirate ship steering wheel shoved in his pants. The bar tender looks at the pirate and says, how to you walk around with that thing in your pants, dosen't it bother you? Aye the pirate says, it drives me nuts.

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

Ok, I know that was corny, sorry!!

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help I understand that you're in the sales profession.

I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the barstool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Sex Therapy-Florida Style
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

BUBBA AND THE WALMART TEST
An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of
resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
;
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The
day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked,
"What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied,
"A THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the
way; It's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked the second man
"Hmm. Let me see. A BLINK!
It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A blink of an eye is the fastest thing I can think of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's very
good."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall
there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the
barn comes on in less than an instant.
Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The
interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light,
"he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed same
question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had already shit in my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car.

Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor thing.

He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said

'I am not happy'!

I said, 'OK, then which one are you?'

That's how the fight started.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

How do these people survive?

Part I

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half
dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked
up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over
for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said
to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my
mind; I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her
for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what
she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept
asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have
replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Part II

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home
was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I
asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have
problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor , Pa. , interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling
the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she
needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

Life is tough.

It's tougher if you're stupid...

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Gatorgal, Six is actually somewhat true. An elderly couple had bought a motorhome and the salesman told them that is was such a smooth ride you could set the cruise to go get a cup of coffee. Well the man did so and wrecked the RV. They sued in court and won the case because that was the sales mens pitch line about the RV.


The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

[quote='The Wild Kids']Gatorgal, Six is actually somewhat true. An elderly couple had bought a motorhome and the salesman told them that is was such a smooth ride you could set the cruise to go get a cup of coffee. Well the man did so and wrecked the RV. They sued in court and won the case because that was the sales mens pitch line about the RV.


The Wild Kids[/quote]

Yeah, I have a list of crazy things that had to be added to brochures and/or owner's manuals because peop

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene