[quote='turboblue'][quote='DVS1'][quote='The Wild Kids'][quote='turboblue']$380 but ya gotta wait till I get paid........... [/quote]

You must be a really good guy then. I came out at 650, oh well since I'm not working I can't pay it.

The Wild Kids[/quote]
Mine came out to $720. I guess I'm going to jail.[/quote]

Having anal sex 9 times don't count Dave............ .........






Sorry

_________________
When in doubt, hit it in second gear!

I don't think you do. Purple rails score was a little over 16,000 because he counter every time me stuck his finger in his ass.

_________________
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman

$490 probation

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette Convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the interstate, pushing the pedal even more.


Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My
prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be
deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
to me that she had feelings
and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married
and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and
couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock
as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then
turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door,
and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future
family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

That was funny as hell...... /\/\/\/\/


A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

[quote='D. Marks']I don't think you do. Purple rails score was a little over 16,000 because he counter every time me stuck his finger in his ass.[/quote]


hahahaha that gave me a good laugh dean! hahaha

Poor Dave works hard at the office, spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she decides to take him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "I know him, he's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She recognizes me, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, sits in Dave's lap, throws her arms around him, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have harmlessly mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time, huh?"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Damn Turbo, where do you find all these,that last one was funny as shit

[quote='sharpshooter']Damn Turbo, where do you find all these,that last one was funny as shit [/quote]

If I told ya, I'd have to kill ya...........

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and wat

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000- volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY TOO COOL ! Long story short , I bought the device and brought it home .

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a second then thought better of it. But, If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, There I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three- second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any busrt longer than three-seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 in. in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, :" no possible way!"

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst if you zap yourself !!!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF -A-..... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left) , sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there ??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!! Still in Shock!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

MasterCard Wedding
> You got to love this guy... This is a true story
> about a recent wedding
> that took place at Clemson University. It was in the
> local newspaper and
> even Jay Leno mentioned it.
>
> It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
> After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got
> up on stage with a
> microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted
> to thank everyone for
> coming, many from long distances, to support them at
> their wedding.
> He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his
> family and to thank his
> new father-in-law for providing such a lavish
> reception.
>
> As a token of his deep appreciation he said he
> wanted to give everyone a
> special gift just from him.
> So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
> including the wedding party was
> an envelope.
> He
said this was his gift to everyone, and asked
> them to open their
> envelope.
> Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of
> his bride having sex
> with the best man.
> The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks
> earlier and had hired a
> private detective to tail them.
> After just standing there, just watching the guests'
> reactions for a couple
> of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,
> "F---you!" Then he turned
> to his bride and said, "F--- you!"
> Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said,
> "I'm outta here."
&a mp;g t; He had the marriage annulled first thing in the
> morning.
>
> While most people would have canceled the wedding
> immediately after finding
> out about the affair, thisguy goes through with the
> charade, as if nothing were wrong.
> His revenge--making the bride's parents pay
over
> $32,000 for a 300-guest
> wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
> bride's and best man's
> reputations in front of 300 friends and family
> members.
> This guy has balls the size of church bells.
> Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless"
> commercial out of this?
> Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
> friends: $32,000.
> Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion:
> $3,000
> Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui :
> $8,500.
> The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10
> glossy of th e bride
> humping the best man: Priceless.
> There are some things money can't buy, for
> everything else there's
> MASTERCARD
>
> Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's
> more like a jar of
> Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass
>
tomorrow......"

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy he's hired, then informs him, "The hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

For Sale
A complete set of the Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes in all.
Excellent condition. $1000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Married to a wife that knows everything.

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

a white guy and a black guy were at work together the black guy asked the white guy why he was so happy everyday the white guy replyed i get sex every morning when i tell my wife a poem maybe you should try it my poem is goldy locks goldy locks eyes so blue get over here i want to make love to you the next day the black guy comes to work all beat you with patches of hair missing the white guy askes what happend black guy said my poem did not work white guy askes what was your poem nappy head nappy head eyes like a frog come over here and let me fudge you like a dog

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He
was cruising along the campground in the Popemobile
when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge
of the woods.


A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a
"Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush"
T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically,
thrashing around trying to free himself from the
grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.


As the Pope watched horrified, a group of
Republican loggers came racing up.


One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's
chest. The other two reached up and pulled the
bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's
grasp, and then, using long clubs, the three loggers
finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto
the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed
the injured Democrat in the back seat.


As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them
to come over. "I give you my blessing for your
brave actions!" he told them. "I had heard that
there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers
and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now
I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."


As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his
buddies "Who was that guy?"


"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct
contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."


"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all
wisdom but he sure don't know anything about bear
hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go
back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

the only thing the irs has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2008 the penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

Which one would be your tax bracket?

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00 8 - 10" Pole Tax $25.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the
Hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on
his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in Room 233 at County General hospital.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

In a recent FDA study, identical doses of Viagra were administered weekly to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Stay off your cell phone while taking a shit in public, or this could happen to you
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them:
'No. . .I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously. . .
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.

Little Johhny went up to his mother and asked her,
"Mom, do men eat lightbulbs"?
"Why do you ask such a silly question Johnny"?
"I was walking past the spare bedroom today, and I heard daddy talking to the maid and he said,
'Turn out the lights and I'll eat it'"!

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

how do you get a fat chick out of you bed???
IT'S A PIECE OF CAKE

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. You'll want to be the first at your corporation to make a contribution to this great man's legacy.

The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to find).

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.

Plans also include: The K-Street Project Gift Shop - where you can buy (or just steal) an election.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President's ego.

To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

UPS.....
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene