One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf
clubs for my wife!"

The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

________________________________________________________

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?...

The dog, of course . . . at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

_________________________________________________

Why do women have smaller feet than men ?

So they can stand closer to the sink
_________________________________________________

How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
_________________________________________________

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
_________________________________________________

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
_________________________________________________

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
_________________________________________________

What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to
whine at you?

You make the chain shorter.
_________________________________________________

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that just...won't...do...what...she's...told!
_________________________________________________

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen???
_________________________________________________

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
_________________________________________________

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.
_________________________________________________

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
_________________________________________________

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.
___________________________________________________

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
_________________________________________________

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like
to interrupt her.
_________________________________________________

Why do women like intelligent men?

Opposites attract.
_________________________________________________

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
_________________________________________________

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on
Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four
days." She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had
your willpower."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts
of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said
the same thing:
"You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day,
I divorced her."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.

Texas Chili Cook-off Part 1

Frank : "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Texas Chili Cook Off Part 2

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers a question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: "First - whatever happened to the medical health care
plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as
President?
"Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed
the office?
"Third - In your book you said you didn't know your husband was having an affair. Why would we ever want to put you in charge of our nation's security if you can't figure that out? Or were you just lying about not knowing?

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they
will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question
time.

Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him
what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions: "First - whatever happened to the medical health care
plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office
as President?
"Second - why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office?
"Third - In your book you said you didn't know your husband was having an affair. Why would we ever want to put you in charge of our nation's security if you can't figure that out? Or were you just lying about not knowing?
"Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"Fifth - Where's Kenneth?"

_________________
Support bacteria, It's the only culture some people have.

Bevans, my stomach is hurting and I'm still crying from that one. That IS the funniest joke I have ever heard.

_________________
When in doubt, hit it in second gear!

Bevans don't ever do that to me again

I almost passed the f--k out

ADD UP YOUR FINE!!

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
Ever put your own finger in your ass -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $5
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Three guys go camping in the woods one day. As they go along, one gets seperated from the other two. As the one starts looking for his friends, he hears a loud splash and some ruckus. He follows the noise and comes to a clearing by a river. He looks up and sees his two friends, one's bent over a log and the other is giving him the meat. The guy asks, "what the hell is going on here?"
To which his friend replies, "ol' Bob here fell in the river, and I had to pull him out and revive him."
The guy says, "you're supposed to give him mouth to mouth."
His friend, "how do you think this got started?"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Guy has a parrot with a very foul mouth. Hes tried everything he can to train it right but the previous owner musta encouraged it. He says "Polly wanna cracker?" Parrot says " I'll tell you whos the fuckin cracker here you G' D'ed white boy" In a rage he grabs the parrot, shakes the dickens out of it and throws it in the freezer. He figures that'll cool the hot tempered, foul mouthed little beastie off. Arter about an hour he opens the freezer, the parrot hops onto his shoulder and says " Sir, I would like to apologize for my previous negative behaviour and I assure you I wont ever be repeating it" The guy is AMAZED. He says "well thats lovely but what brought about the change?" Parrot says "I just decided to start being nice...oh...and what'd that chicken do to piss you off so bad?"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

[quote='purplerail']ADD UP YOUR FINE!!

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
Ever put your own finger in your ass -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

[quote='purplerail']ADD UP YOUR FINE!!

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
Ever put your own finger in your ass -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some

_________________
If your clutch ain't slippin,, you probably got it adjusted right!!!!!

$380 but ya gotta wait till I get paid...........

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Subject: Fairness ????????
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the fudge Up Day.' Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the fudge Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world.

[quote='turboblue']$380 but ya gotta wait till I get paid........... [/quote]

You must be a really good guy then. I came out at 650, oh well since I'm not working I can't pay it.

The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

[quote='The Wild Kids'][quote='turboblue']$380 but ya gotta wait till I get paid........... [/quote]

You must be a really good guy then. I came out at 650, oh well since I'm not working I can't pay it.

The Wild Kids[/quote]
Mine came out to $720. I guess I'm going to jail.

_________________
When in doubt, hit it in second gear!

Mine came to 275. I must be missing out.

_________________
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman

550......since dean is missing out and dave is going to jail.....i must be treading on thin ice

_________________
2332cc Air Cooled Screaming Meanie. Predator Singleseat.

"Lets go get stupid"

495 - that means i can do more stuff before i got to worry about it

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

I got a 695, I'm screwed

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

[quote='DVS1'][quote='The Wild Kids'][quote='turboblue']$380 but ya gotta wait till I get paid........... [/quote]

You must be a really good guy then. I came out at 650, oh well since I'm not working I can't pay it.

The Wild Kids[/quote]
Mine came out to $720. I guess I'm going to jail.[/quote]

Having anal sex 9 times don't count Dave............ .........






Sorry man, you were the only one with

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

evidently he has been in jail before

_________________
Rick

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno's.What you do today,Might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Medicare Coverage in a Nutshell


" Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.
Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Now THAT was too funny, Turbo!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene