Dean, just don't know about that one. Nose pizza with the left over buggers for free! Sick

The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

_____



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

_____



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

_____



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and said, "What?"

_____

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


_____


Poor Mark
Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE." The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Joe's Old Boat

They say the happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good boat story!!

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day.

When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from
the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water . She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her any way. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

That's a good one Bruce.

One day, the Lone Ranger and his horse Silver were riding along the horizon of a nearby canyon, he was ambushed by a bunch of Indians, they surrounded him and Silver and took them prisoner. They took them to an Indian Camp where they were held prisoners, the Indian Chief offered him 3 requests for 3 days then he will kill him and his horse. The Lone Ranger asked him "anything?" the Chief says "Yes" then the Lone Ranger asked him that he wants to see his horse, as requested, the Chief lets him see his horse, he pulled Silver's ears towards him and whispered something into his ears, then Silver took off running towards the horizon, then a little while later, Silver comes back with a beautiful Blonde woman on his back, the Lone Ranger took her into his tent and spent the night with her, the Chief was impressed, but he told him "I will still kill you in 2 days". The next morning he Lone Ranger askes for another request that he would like to see his horse again, the Chief lets him see his horse, and again, he pulled Silver's ears towards him and whispered something into his ears then Silver took off running again towards the horizon, then a little while later, he comes back with a beautiful Brunette woman on his back, better looking than the Blonde, the Lone Ranger took her into his tent and spent the night with her, the Chief was in awe and cannot believe it, but still very impressed, and again he told the Ranger "I will still kill you in 1 day". The next morning the Chief asked him what his last request was, the Lone Ranger wanted to see Silver in private, so the Chief lets him take Silver into his tent. The Ranger looked at Silver square into the eyes and held his ears right towards him and said "For the last time!!! Bring me Posse!!!!"

_________________
"Loud pipes saves lives"

Three Bums
Three bums are talking one evening, when the first says,

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

purplerail that just not right

_________________
Phillip

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards
were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window
and make 156 million people very happy.

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back
to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My
God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on
the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No,
I'm your son's teacher."

Boston police today reported finding a body in the Charles River.

He was described as wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink wig, a strap-on dildo, a Patriot's jersey, and had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive alcohol consumption.

The police graciously removed the Patriot's jersey to spare the family unnecessary embarrassment.

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

oooooooo purple say it ain't so

A woman walkied into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies", he responded.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Did you know that Hooter's restuarants are well-know for having waitresses with very large breasts?

Well.....where does all of the one-legged women work at?

IHOP

_________________
"Loud pipes saves lives"

Georgia:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."

*************************************************

Alabama :
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked..

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter.
"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

********************** *****************************************

Louisiana :
A senior at Louisiana Tech was overheard saying...
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied "he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

****************************** ****** **************************

Mississippi :
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

********************************************************* Tennessee :
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

**************************************************************

North Carolina :
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between
my legs and I'll put my head between your legs." Still
unsure but willing, he agreed.

As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!! he asked. "OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened.
He immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

The man replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for
67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

I don't think I would have told that

This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!' The
passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.' The man goes on and
encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful
country here in America !' The person says, 'I not American, I
Vietnamese. 'The new arrival walks further, and the next person he
sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful
America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am
not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?' She says
'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the
Americans?'The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at
work!!!!!!!

Now that one was good

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine!
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back o
check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release HANDBRAKE Brake.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

LMAO

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back
to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My
God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on
the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

[quote='turboblue']A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back
to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My
God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on
the p

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,

'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,

'Thanks,'
And returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,

'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'

[quote='dunebuggy79'][quote='turboblue']A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,
"I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back
to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My
God, are you the stripper from my bachelor pa

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Turbo, it's ok, any story that talks about somebody's behind getting smacked with wet celery DESERVES to be told twice... ..but I am here to tell you, the old cowboy realizing he was a lesbian? I don't care who you are, that there was funny......You have redeemed yourself!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene