A man walks into church with a parrot on his shoulder. He takes his seat and the parrot starts looking around. The parrot shouts "Beer Joint Beer Joint". Embarrased, the man whispers this aint no beer joint, this is church.

The parrot says "Same Crowd, Same Crowd"

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

A man and his wife decide to move to a nudist colony and take their 7 year old boy with them.On the first day the little boy went outside to play and came back in and asked his mother "why are some girls bigger than others"his mother replies"thats just the way god made them just remember bigger means dumber". The next day the boy goes out to play and comes back in and says"mom I noticed that some men are bigger than others " his mother replies"thats just the way they are made but remember bigger means dumber".On the third day the boy went out to play and came back in and said"I just saw daddy talking to the biggest, dumbest woman I have ever seen,and the longer he talks the dumber he gets".

_________________
a seven day honey moon makes a hole weak

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place .......smack his butt again!"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

30 Years
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with e vidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Curt, You speak the truth!!

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
New one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot
the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like
me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless




Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman, you don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States. Act like one!

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Dear Abby.

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her finally.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can or should try to fix myself, or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it and try to get a refund?

Results of a recent research shows that there are
7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner
For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner
For too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
More. She takes you to court and screws you
In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

[quote='GatorGal']Results of a recent research shows that there are
7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is cal

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

[quote='turboblue'][quote='GatorGal']Results of a recent research shows that there are
7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the
seven dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son,"says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks,"Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns
in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, "No Dopey,there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an
angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf
nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding
on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

What? Penguins need loving too

_________________
If your clutch ain't slippin,, you probably got it adjusted right!!!!!

Little Johnny's neighbors had a new baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother brought the new baby home from the hospital, little Johnny's family was invited over to see him.
Before they left their house, little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word, "ears", he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When little Johnny looked into the crib he said,"What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, little Johnny."
Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, acute little nose and really beautiful eyes.
"Can he see?" asked little Johnny. "Yes", the mother replied,"we are so thankful.
The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be sh*t outta luck if he needed glasses."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Didn't think you could stump break a penquin

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

[quote='spectater']Didn't think you could stump break a penquin [/quote]

Voice of experience??.............

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless.. Wrong email address. A lesson to be learned
From typing the wrong email address!!!!


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where
They spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday , with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address , and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.

He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
Floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Seen this on another site. Too funny!!

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor
Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside
his firewood! Don't quite know how he
gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it
there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."


The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend
on Virgil's house. They search the shed
where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they
bust open every piece of wood, but find no
marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the
Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Merry Christmas buddy!"

Anybody got Floyd's phone number?

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Subject: LITTLE RALPHY

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ' Well,
I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an
F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the freakin' difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says,
'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a b___ j__.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed
to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a
piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the
proper word to use in this situation. The correct
word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the
word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger boobss, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same
sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael. 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher
reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at
the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just freakin'
beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench, munching!
on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a
man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that
candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and
make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy
bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own freakin' business.

I LOVE Little RALPHY

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

To all taxpayers:

The only thing that this great nation has not taxed you on is your peter; mostly because, 98% of the time it is out of work and 2% of the time it is in the hole; also because it has two dependents that are nuts.

However, beginning September 1, 2008 your peter will be taxed according to size.

Please insert information on page 2, section 3, line 10 of your federal tax form.

10 to 12 inches: Luxury Tax
8 to 10 inches: Pole Tax
6 to 8 inches: Privilege Tax
4 to 6 inches: Nuisance Tax
Anyone under four (4) inches is eligible for a refund, but please do not ask for an extension.

Sincerely yours,

The United States of America
__________________

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

Subject: Estate Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

When the police raided Jeffery Dalmers apt. among other things they found a jar full of noses. When the asked him why he did that he told them he was going to make a Dalmernose pizza.

_________________
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman