The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. "What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time......BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says

_________________
Where did you say the weenie trail is?

there was a man walking down the road and he saw this woman with the most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen. He then ran up to her and asked, can i bite your breast for $50?
She replied, no
so he then asked can i bite your breast for $100?
She replied, no!
He said, well than can i do it for $1000
She replied, sure
So they then walked into an alley where he started feeling her breast and wouldn't stop!
so she asked him, well are you going to bite them?
and he said, hell no i can't afford that!

_________________
Every man loves a set of TWINS especially sitting on a dragster

My apologies in advance to all you beautiful blond girls.....

A blond and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.

It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
She goes downstairs.
The blond finally comes back up to bed and her husband says,

"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blond says, "I put the dog in OUR backyard, now let's just see how THEY like it."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A feller from Texas comes to Atlanta for a business trip, he walks out of the airport and hails a taxi. On the way to the hotel he sees the Georgia Dome and asks the driver "how long did it take to build that dome?" The driver said I think about two years or so? Well down in Texas we build em twice as wide, twice as tall,in half the time.

A few minutes later the texan spots the Coca Cola building and asks the driver, "well how long did it take to build that one?". The driver looked up and said, I think about three years for that one. Well we build em twice as wide, twice as tall, and in half the time dowm Texas way.

As they arived at the Westin hotel, the Teaxan asked one more time, how long did it take to build this here hotel? The driver looked at it, and with a puzzled look said "man I have no idea, it wasn't here yesterday!!!

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.
He turned to the second Mom. Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy. "
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers "come on Dick, we're leaving."

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Thats a good one Gatorgal. Welcome to the site hope you stay awhile.

The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I've been reading these for a couple of months, just now figured out how to post something.......Next y'all will be saying, "does she ever wind down?"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

The Blonde Journal

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helloooooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh"..... there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid phone!!!


AND THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR......

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)





My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!!!!!"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they
Aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
Prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
Woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've
Known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
Disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
Manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
You're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
Amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
Across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
Attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
He was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
Problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
Practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
Cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your
Wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
Very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows
Me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

THREE BLACK MEN
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a
park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the
middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white,
patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that
the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and
said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"


"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the
curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.

"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just
three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

that was a good one

I've got tons of these.......

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A papa mole, a mama mole and a baby mole all live together in a mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the mole hole, sniffs the air and says..."yum, yum, I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the mole hole, sniffs the air and says ...."yum, yum....I smell honey!"

Now the baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the mole hole so that he can sniff the air, but he can't because all of the bigger moles are in the way......this causes him to whine and say..........

"Geez, all I can smell is....



MOLASSES!"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Man is she ever gonna shut up???
Just joking. Glad you have it figured out.

_________________
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
He laughed so hard he couldn't finish teaching the class.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Two business men from the North are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious hillbilly from the south walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What are y'all sellin here?

One of the men replies, We're selling assholes here.

Without skipping a beat, the southerner says, Well, I see y'all are doing really good, you only got two left.

YANKEES (God bless 'em) SHOULD NOT MESS WITH SOUTHERNERS

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Chelsea Clinton recently discussed current events with a U.S. soldier.

She asked if, as an American fighting man, anything scared him.

He told her there were only three things he feared:

1. Osama

2. Obama

AND

3. Yo Mama

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A "Heads Up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how
the scam works.

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have
a last night on the town. After too many drinks, they end up at the local
brothel....

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each
bed...These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on
them. They wont know the difference..."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take
care of their business...

As they are walking home the first man says, "You Know, I think my girl was dead!"


"Dead??" Says his friend, "why do you say that??"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her..."

His friend says, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch."

"A Witch,.....Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a
little bite, then she farted and flew out the window, takin my teeth with
her."

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

_________________
Where did you say the weenie trail is?

A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow..........

BASIC COW...............................$500.00
Two tone exterior.........................$45.00
Extra stomach............................ $75.00
Product storing equipment............$60.00
Straw compartment......................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea......................$40.00
Leather upholstery.......................$125.00
Dual horns...................................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00
Fertilizer attachment.....................$185.00
GRAND TOTAL............................$1,233.00

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books,
"Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton

One student turned in the following book report,
With the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton:..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:.... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton:.... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

_________________
Where did you say the weenie trail is?

Nine words women use.

1. Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when
they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just
been given five more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

3. Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm.
This means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine.

4. Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by man.
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her
time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing.
(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerou s statements
a women can make to a man. That's okay
means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your
mistake.

7. Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever:
Is a women's way of saying F**K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that
a woman has told a man to do
several times, but is now doing
it herself. This will later result in
a man asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer
to #3.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page