When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read
it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally
tested and then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am SO GLAD I
do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &
Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB

THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he told her that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would them arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day about 8 months leter, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said "Honey, you recieved a very strange post card today." "oh, just give it to me and I will explain it later" he said. The wife handed him the card and watched while her husband read the card and then collapsed.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, two with meatballs, one without... Request bread.........."

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

[quote='GatorGal']The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afra

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Been around for a while but still good for a laugh.

http://www.bofunk.com/video/2424/blondstar.html

what do tornados and women have in common;;
when there comin there wet and wild;and when they leave they take ur car,house and everything with them

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him looks down and says: 7 feet tall, 350 pounds,10 inch
private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and
falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking
him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 10 inch private, my testicles! weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'Turn around

_________________
Where did you say the weenie trail is?

Why don't they have sex education and driver's education on the same day in Iraq?

It's just way too hard on the camels!!

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

> Girls -- you must have a sense of humor!
>
> I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
> differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
> thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
> with their heart.
>
> FOR
> EXAMPLE:
>
> One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
> bed. We ll, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I
> don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
>
> I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
>
> So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads
> to hear...
>
> 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
> enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
>
> She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love
> me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
>
> Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
> sleep.
>
> The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
> time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
> big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
> tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide
> which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new
> shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for
> each outfit.'
>
> We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair
> of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must
> have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
> was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
> even know how to play tennis.
>
> I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine,
> honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
> excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I
> think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
>
> I could hardly contain myself when I blurt ed out, 'No honey, I
> don't feel like it.'
>
> Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
> baffle d, 'WHAT?'
>
> I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
> while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
> for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
>
> And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
> added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I
> can buy you?'
>
> Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least
> that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Japanese doctor says,
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a liver out of
>> one
>> man, put it into another, and have him out looking for work in six
>> weeks.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A German doctor says,
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it into
>> another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A British doctor says,
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out
>> of
>> one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work
>> in
>> two weeks.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected,
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains,
>> and
>> no heart, put her in the White House, and very soon half the country will
>> be
>> out looking for work.'

YOU SAID IT!!!!!!!! Obama or Billary, either way, we're in deep doo-doo........

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

I want to be a Cowboy he said.

Old Audry sent her husband Gus to Wallymart to get a carton of smokes and toilet paper.While Gus was there he saw a pair of cowboy boots on sale and since he had saved up some extra cash collecting cans he bought them.
When he got home he went in and put on his boots to show Audry and when he presented himself to her he asked "you notice anything different?" Audry looked up from the paper and looked at Gus and said"no"
Well this pissed Gus off so he goes in the bedroom strips down to nothing but his boots and walks back out and shouts NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT NOW! Audry looks at his special purpose and says "What?Its looking down...it was looking down yesterday it'll be lookin' down tomorrow"
Gus says "And you know why its looking down Audry? ITS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
Audry says..."you shoulda bought a hat Gus...you shoulda bought a hat!


The Wild Kids

_________________
I refuse to grow up therefore I will never grow old, and I will never die.

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, poof!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then poof, she was gone. After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back, "Don't swing Fred, for God sake, don't swing!"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Girls Night Out

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

[quote='turboblue']
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."

Harry yells back, "Don't swing Fred, for God sake, don't swing!"[/quote]



THAT WAS TOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon





THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate





THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the
phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see either a psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill
flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops
her..."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it
comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what' s in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them paid!!!"

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, he asked her to go fishing again the next day.!
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'



She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fudge or drown."

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

My grandmother died in 1991, but her birthday is
coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the
store, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobslike pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I
remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 10.
We were sitting in a park having just finished
collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"And remember always this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it.

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

little white guy and black man

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch private, 3pound testicles, Turner Brown.
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong
with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says,
"What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

[quote='purplerail']"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.
She answered in her soft voice..
"Makes your dick look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it.[/quote]

Purple, where DO you get these? It DID bring a tear to my eye....

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Hell it was probably a true story.

_________________
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman

Can you solve this puzzle?


You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, scroll down.
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* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *