How To Shower Like a Woman/Man

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

[quote='turboblue']How To Shower Like a Woman/Man

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your

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IF YOU CAN'T MAKE IT IN A LITTLE BUGGY,IT CAN'T BE CLIMBED

No way mine too

hahahaha!!!!! this stuff makes my day soo much better.

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David O'Nan

WAL-MART INTERVIEW

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people
who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them
only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get
the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmmm...let me see. "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular Cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of"

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.< BR>
"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now
on!....

[quote='m.ralston']Do you have a hidden camera at my house?[/quote]

Sorry man, no zoom lens is that good..........

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas all his life, An old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Makes you go Hmmmm......




George Carlin 's Solution to Save Gasoline




Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use..... The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants!



That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.....

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the Border....



When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq ....


Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military.....




Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.....




After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country......




He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot......





This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves......




If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.....





Problem solved.....

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It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman

big brother dont have balls to try that

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i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

He's wright that would fix the problem

AMEN BROTHER!!!!!!!!

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"YOU CAN MAKE THINGS HAPPEN, WATCH THINGS HAPPEN OR WONDER WHAT THE F$$K HAPPEND...WE'RE MAKING THINGS HAPPEN" The strong words of Captain Phil! Rest in peice!

What do you call a 400 pound woman with a yeast infection??????????????
......Whopper with cheese......

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If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

A cowboy rides into town all dusty,dry,sunburnt he hops off his horse walks behind the horse sticks his finger up the horses ass pulls it out and rubs it all over his lips. Another man standing there said does that cure chapped lips? The old cowboy said no but it show keeps you from licking them

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to an old pirate. He notices the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch.

He says to the pirate looks like you had a pretty rough life! Aye says the pirate. Well what happened to your leg the man asks? Well the pirate says, I fell overboard and just as me mates were pulling me back aboard a shark came and took my leg. So I put a peg there.

Well how about your hand he asks? Aye we were in battle with another ship and just as I grabbed the railing to climb aboard another pirate chopped of me hand. So I put a hook there.

Well how about your eye then the man asks. A segull flew over me and shit in my eye. Did it make you go blind asked the man. No the pirate said, First Day With Me New Hook!!!!!

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If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

alright turbo it's time were waiting on you

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?



Because the sound of zippers scares the sheep away.

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.
After the coroner leaves with Steve''s body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve''s wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms.

"Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?"

"Steve''s wife gave it to me!"

"What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve''s widow. And, she said she wasn''t, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"

What is the hardest part about eating vegetables???





.........Putting them back in their wheelchairs..........

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If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

This incident took place in Dublin Ireland awhile ago and although it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock take, it's true according to local townspeople. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was walking on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark and stormy night. The rain and fog was so severe he could only see a few feet ahead of him. There were no cars in sight and John was beginning to panic.

Suddenly, he saw headlights approaching. The car was traveling very slowly and came to a stop in front of him. Desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, John got into the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving forward slowly. John looked at the road ahead and knew the car was approaching a sharp curve. Scared that the car would go over the embankment, John started to pray for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the drivers side window and turned the wheel. John was paralyzed with fear and terror as he watched the hand repeatedly come through the window though it never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a Pub ahead. Gathering all his strength, he opened the car door, jumped out, and ran towards the Pub. Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience just had.
A silence enveloped the Pub when everyone realized he was crying.......and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the Pub door opened and two other people walked in to escape the stormy night. They, like John, were soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look. Paddy, there's that fooking idiot that got in our car while we were pushing it."

I know you have heard this but I like it.

Two bulls were standing on a hilltop looking down on a heard of cows. The young bull says to the old one lets run down there and screw one of those cows! The old bull says, lets walk down and screw 'em all.

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It's amazing what you can accomplish when you don't care who gets the credit.-
Harry S. Truman

A pro wrestler was known for a pretzel hold. No one could brake this hold. One night there was a wrestling match and everyone had an opponent except for this pro wrestler with the special hold. After all of the matches, there was still no opponent for the pro. Finally, a rookie was willing to take this man on. They didn't expect the rookie to win but if the pro wasn't challenged, they would have to give all of the spectators their money back. Surprisingly, the rookie was doing pretty good for himself. All of a sudden, the pro got him in the infamous pretzel hold. He had an arm behind his head, a leg behind his back, and his head between his legs. Count....one... two...., then the rookie broke free, jumped up and pinned the pro for a count of three. In the locker room after the match, the media asked him how he broke the pretzel hold. He said that he had an arm behind my head, a leg behind my back, and my head between my legs...... I looked up and saw a set of nuts. I did the only thing I knew to do. I bit the nuts.

You wouldn't believe how much strength a man gets when he bites himself in the nuts.

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"It is easy to be brave from a safe distance."

10 Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughter
(part 1)
Forum won't let me post it all at once

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

(part 2)

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


(I like # 9..... )

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page