Viagra and Coffee

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been. "Oh it was
terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

i can remmember when i met my wife 5 years ago she would get out of the shower lay down on the bed and the ceiling fan would blow and her snatch hair it would roll up like a rose bud. 5 years later it looks like a pile of cow shit with a wagon wheel drug threw the center of it.

_________________
"It is easy to be brave from a safe distance."

sounds like someone will be sleeping in the doghouse tonight.lol

_________________
Phillip

Subject: Mouse Balls & Mouse Ball inspector


Mouse Balls & Mouse Balls Inspector

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.


'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse
balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer
satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact
the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

_________________
Rick

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno's.What you do today,Might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My and I was on him constantly..
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants,
bent over,
spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me lastnight?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

_________________
Rick

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno's.What you do today,Might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened
16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were
taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog.'

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A man was working on his buggy, and his 10 year old son just wouldn't let him get any work done. Frustrated the man gave the boy a dollar and told him to go to the corner store and buy a dollars worth of "whats what".

The boy asked his father What is whats what? The father replied, just go to the store and ask for it, they will have it. So the boy, confused went to the store and asked the clerk for some "whats what". Puzzled, the clerk asked the boy whats "whats what"? Not knowing, the boy left the store empty handed. He went to two more stores in search of " whats what" but just couldn't find any.
Disheartened the boy starts to walk home hoping his father wouldn't be mad at him for not finding any "whats what". On his way he passes a house with a beautiful woman wearing a mini skirt, standing on her front porch. He walks right up to the bottom of the steps, looks right up her skirt and says miss, what in the world is that. The lady replied "whats what", he said well i'll take a dollars worth!!!!

_________________
If its got boobs or a motor its gonna give you trouble!!

THIS IS TRULY FREAKY................BUT MAKES SENSE NOW

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60
years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO)
with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just
outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many
say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal
agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948,
nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? Certainly hope this
piece of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

A study in a Wisconsin medical school, showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance: if she is ovulating: she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating: she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Ireland 2006 John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night". She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast? John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.""Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

_________________
Rick

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno's.What you do today,Might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow

a man gets stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. He is all alone and has plenty of food and water on the island but, is bored.
So he starts to whack off. As soon as he recooperates, he goes back at it again. next thing you know, that is all he is doing. All day long and into the night he keeps on pleasuring himself.
After a couple of days he is losing hope that he will be rescued so it starts to get harder to get arroused.
Well a week later he is sitting on the beach and off in the distance, he sees a cruise ship.
He runs up and down the beach waving his arms and starts to burn just about everything on the island for a signal fire.
Just when he thinks all is lost, the ship starts to turn towards his little island.
He is so excited he starts to think about what he will do when he gets on that ship:
First he says i will take the longest shower of my life.Man I can't wait to hop in that stream of water.
Second he is gonna get the biggest steak on the ship. It will be juicy and cooked just right.
Then i am gonna find the hottest chick and take her back to her room. She will have a nice firm rack. A tight little body and the best ass. The man starts to get arroused just thinking about her. So he grabs his pecker and says "haha, I lied about the ship"

Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch.
One says,

"Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shopping today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"


Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothing, my wife's dumber than that!
She went shopping yesterday and had a washing machine delivered."
They all laughed and laughed, why nobody around here has plumbing!


The third Hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman's got to be the dumbest.
Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six condoms.

Hell, she ain't got no pecker."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Two guys were out huntin one day and they came across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. One guy looks around and sees nobody so he pulls his pants down and pours it to the sheep. When he's done he turns to his buddy and asks if wants any of it. The buddy says yes and pulls his pants down sticks his head in the fence

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Dirty Dan

Teacher comes in the classroom and says today we are going to play a game. I have something in the bag that i will describe to you and you tell me what it is.

She reaches in the bag and says, "Its round, red and you can eat it."

Little girl raises her hand and says its a grape. Teacher says no its an apple but I like the way you think.

Teacher reaches in the bag again and says its round, orange and you can play with it.

Little boy raises his hand and says it is a ball. Teacher says no Its a frisbee but I like the way you think.

Dirty Dan stands up and says teacher i have one for you. I have something in my pocket thats round, hard and has a head on it.

Teacher get mad and yells for Dan to go the princpal office.

Dirty Dan looks at her and says its just a quarter, but I like the way you think.

Haha.... /\/\/\/\/\/
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night." "Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

I get it I get it

Bear Warning!

We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in it and smell like pepper.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

This is interesting...
Just click on the link, enter someone's cell phone number, and the satellite map will show you where they are.
It's called 'mobile phone tracker' and was first put to use to aid 911 responders.
Using a satellite map track any connected mobile phone with coverage anywhere in the world.

To give it a try log on to:
http://www.satellite-gps-locator.com

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

I never would have believed it till I seen it with my own eyes

_________________
If your clutch ain't slippin,, you probably got it adjusted right!!!!!

New Salesman
A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101, 237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM BEING IN KENTUCKY

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Kentucky .

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Kentucky plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."

DJeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

Sometimes you have to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

"Fix" is a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a "DAWG" is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Kentucky (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can't be a Kentuckian; it takes talent. You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!

and you cant do that with sis in kentucky

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his
first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your
asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
He laughed so hard he couldn't finish teaching the class.

_________________
Where did you say the weenie trail is?