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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 5:01 pm 
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An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "So, are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2012 10:51 am 
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Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2012 12:14 pm 
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Location: GEORGIA ON MY MIND
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.


Thats the truth :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2012 3:25 pm 
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now thats funny , i don't care who you are !!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
i think i know her !! :shock:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2012 7:04 pm 
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RON wrote:
now thats funny , i don't care who you are !!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
i think i know her !! :shock:



Me too............ :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2012 8:01 pm 
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turboblue wrote:
RON wrote:
now thats funny , i don't care who you are !!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
i think i know her !! :shock:



Me too............ :mrgreen:

Lmao, number 5 and number 1 is the best.I told Kim one time that if she ever left,hell take me with her.if it gets that bad around here I don't want to stay either,lol. Chad :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 9:00 pm 
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Location: Boone County West (BY GOD) Virginia
Splinters in her crotch;
 
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.
 
She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

Chad :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2012 9:29 am 
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Location: Fort Wayne, IN WoodsBuggy - NOMAD Chapter
Larry Is In The Hospital . . . .....

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.”

“Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.”

“Three, I like how money feels in my hand.”

“And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in Mount Sinai Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 6:40 pm 
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GOLF ETHICS QUESTION

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes.

You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball.

Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot... and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!"

The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now, here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it... or do you keep your mouth Shut ???

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 11:35 am 
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it, 'says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really, 'says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 12:38 pm 
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Location: Missouri RAYTOWN
nascar

Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's scheme to employ Black Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed Black youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in eight seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team,
as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced Black crew able to change all four wheels in under six seconds, but within nine seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for ten cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2013 1:26 pm 
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Location: Winchester,KY
RON wrote:
now thats funny , i don't care who you are !!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
i think i know her !! :shock:

HELL!!! i do know her!!! i was Married to her the first time!!!!!! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 12:48 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 5:03 pm 
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Location: rittman,ohio ----------- wellsville, water cooled chapter
Lmao :twisted:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2013 10:11 pm 
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and she dont like cigars in her skeeter :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: i cant blame clinton for monica! i'd inter n her anytime :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 3:28 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 5:02 pm 
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ahahahaaaaa...is that the sign out front of your shop?

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:07 pm 
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diamonddav wrote:
ahahahaaaaa...is that the sign out front of your shop?



Nope not mine............. :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2013 9:42 am 
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Location: franklin indiana
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her
in the act. For $100.00, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his
wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't
do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and
HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he
catches cold."

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 9:50 am 
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And here we thought RedNecks only lived in the South.

A good old Wisconson boy a real Packer Fan won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother a Bigger Packer Fan came over to visit several days later. He sees
the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat listening to the game",
pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his
brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a
bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin and listening to the game'. What does it look like I'm I'm doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Wisconson a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If
I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Thu May 02, 2013 10:16 pm 
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Location: montevallo al
Early one morning a woman walk into the kitchen and her husband
was sitting at the table crying she ask him why he was crying. He
said do you remember when we were dating and your dad found
out. At the time he was the sheriff and he told me if I didn't
Marry you he would put me in jail for forty years. He wife said
yes I remembered that why do you ask. He look at her and said
Well I would've been getting out today

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 2:45 pm 
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The Power of a Badge...

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull.......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

“Your badge … Show him Your BADGE!!!”

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Fri Jun 14, 2013 7:12 am 
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Location: Rome Ohio
This blond is driving down the road when her VW just quit running, so she pulls in to a turn out. She is just sitting there dum founded wondering what's wrong with her VW. When another blond pulls up behind her and gets out of her VW and walks up to the first blonds VW and ask's if she could help. The first blond reply's I was driving down the road when my VW just quit running. So they go to the front of her VW and open the hood and the second blond says I see what wrong, your motor is gone. But not to worry because I have a spare motor in the back of mine you can have.

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 3:04 pm 
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Posts: 473
Location: connellsville, pa
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a volkswagen beetle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the beetle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"



Posted using my IPHONE :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: JOTD
PostPosted: Tue Sep 24, 2013 8:24 pm 
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Daddy mole pops up out of his hole one morning and said , MMMM smells like good ol biscuits and jelly. Moma mole pops up and says mmmm smells like good ol jam. baby mole wiggles up and says smells like moleasses. :lol:


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