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JOTD http://www.woodsbuggy.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=1681	Page 1 of 59

Author:	turboblue [ Wed Oct 31, 2007 3:01 pm ]
Post subject:	JOTD
Joke of the day: A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co

Author:	Leatherneck [ Fri Nov 09, 2007 12:21 am ]
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Kansas City..AP - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Kansas City courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and sai d that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Kansas City Chiefs , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone

Author:	turboblue [ Tue Nov 20, 2007 6:52 pm ]
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Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." the social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull shit in' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . . you started it.

Author:	Bad Influence [ Wed Nov 21, 2007 6:16 am ]
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Good one!! Haven't heard that one before. LOL

Author:	purplerail [ Thu Nov 22, 2007 8:40 am ]
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Roy the Rooster This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?" Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

Author:	purplerail [ Thu Nov 22, 2007 8:49 am ]
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In Flight Service A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips." The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Author:	purplerail [ Thu Nov 22, 2007 8:49 am ]
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Animal That Stutter "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "fudge," the rottweiler ate him!"

Author:	Firebug [ Thu Nov 22, 2007 9:20 am ]
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Poopy,,,you so funny

Author:	D. Marks [ Thu Nov 22, 2007 11:21 am ]
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Those are FUNNY!!!!

Author:	rockrockets1 [ Thu Nov 22, 2007 11:04 pm ]
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That last joke was the funniest shit I ever seen

Author:	Stevo [ Fri Nov 23, 2007 8:46 pm ]
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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

Author:	Leatherneck [ Sun Nov 25, 2007 10:49 pm ]
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An Amish farmer was walking through his field, & noticed a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it." The man shouted back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Speak in English." The Amish man said: "Use two hands. You'll get more."

Author:	turboblue [ Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:29 pm ]
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An attractive blonde rolled into the Mirage and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Author:	Leatherneck [ Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:36 pm ]
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I' m 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay ... How old am I?"He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?""I promise I won't." she says."I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Author:	turboblue [ Tue Nov 27, 2007 11:02 am ]
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'BE STRONG HONEY I LOVE YOU !!!' A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, APPEARS TO kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you.

Author:	D. Marks [ Tue Nov 27, 2007 11:21 am ]
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Skeleton walks into a bar. Orders abeer and a mop. Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, hey why the long face. Sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender says, we don't serve food here.

Author:	turboblue [ Tue Nov 27, 2007 11:25 am ]
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One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny.He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, 'Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!' Little Johnny replied, 'It's not so funny when its your mom is it?!'

Author:	turboblue [ Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:10 pm ]
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A Texas gentleman spies an attractive woman in a restaurant. He asked the waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to her with his compliments. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there,' indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.' After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: 'For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL 600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.

Author:	turboblue [ Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:13 pm ]
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Two secretaries, a blonde and a brunette were riding down in the elevator from the top of their skyscraper when a handsome hunk gets on the elevator. The ladies are checking him out when the brunette comments that he has dandruff. "Someone should give him some 'Head and Shoulders'." The blonde looks at the brunette and asks "How do you give shoulders?"

Author:	turboblue [ Thu Nov 29, 2007 5:19 pm ]
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A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them. After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck. The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."

Author:	D. Marks [ Fri Nov 30, 2007 5:43 am ]
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Mudd Mutt sent this to me. The train was crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire lengthlooking for a seat. The only seat left was taken by a well-dressed,middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am,may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left wasunder that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the littledog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American inhis place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans oftenseem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork inthe wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. Andnow, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Author:	rockrockets1 [ Fri Nov 30, 2007 7:34 am ]
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now that was funny

Author:	turboblue [ Fri Nov 30, 2007 11:16 am ]
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[quote='rockrockets1']now that was funny[/quote] X2..........

Author:	rockrockets1 [ Mon Dec 10, 2007 10:05 am ]
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alright it's time for a new joke

Author:	Baddvw [ Mon Dec 10, 2007 12:14 pm ]
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One day....there was a little boy and his grandpa going fishing at the family farm pond, as the day went by, the boy saw grandpa took a cigarette out of his shirt pocket and fired it up, the little boy asked "Grandpa, may I have a cigarette?" then grandpa said "Son, is your dick long enough to reach your asshole?" the boy says "No", then Grandpa says "Sorry, you cannot have a cigarette." The day went on some more and then it was time to go home. As soon they got home, the little boy's Grandma made a big batch of cookies, and the boy came running in there just munching the cookies, then grandpa walked in there and saw what the boy was doing. He asked the little boy "Son may I have a cookie?" The boy asked grandpa, "Grandpa, is your dick long enough to reach your asshole?" then grandpa says "Yes" the boy says "Good, then you can go f*ck yourself!"

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