An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

_________________
Where did you say the weenie trail is?

One evening.....There is a man bar-hopping, he just went there for a little bit and there for a little bit then he show up at some bar that a bartender has a pet horse. The man sat down at the bar and asked the bartender, "Why do you have a horse in this bar?" the bartender replies "I am playing a game, if somebody can make this horse laugh, I will let you have beer for free." and the man says "OK, I will play" so the man took the horse's head towards him, and whispered something in his ear. then horse started laughing real hard. the bartender was in awe and cannot believe that he made his horse laugh. So the bartender told the man "I bet you can't make him cry, I will give you $100 if you make him cry." the man says "OK, you're in" So the man took the horse into the bathroom for about 15 seconds, then he came back out with the horse crying his eyes out. The bartender cannot believe this. So he gave the man $100 and a free beer. He asked the man nicely, "how did you do that?" the man says "Oh, that is easy, first I told him that my dick was bigger than yours so he started laughing, then I took him in the bathroom and showed it to him, then he started crying!"

_________________
"Loud pipes saves lives"

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

_________________
"Loud pipes saves lives"

A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for?
The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again.
So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog.
The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.
The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her.
His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table.
The wife asks, "why the hell are you showing me this?"
The bartender says, "cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're gonna get the fudge outta here."

_________________
"Loud pipes saves lives"

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises his God, raises the
knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock
cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

..........................

Conservative's Answer:


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say
about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

..........................
Liberal's Answer:


BANG!

..........................
Texan's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened....?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Turbo you always got the good stuf

[quote='rockrockets1']Turbo you always got the good stuf [/quote]

Ba Da Bing........Thank you....Thank You.......
I'm here all night.........

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Thanks Turbo, look forward to em!

_________________
Bryan

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

_________________
Rick

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno's.What you do today,Might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow

An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $50.

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'

The old biker replies, 'Well wash your god damn hands. I want a fuckin cheeseburger

Winter Statistic
99.9% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER .01% ARE BUGGY RIDERS AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing
Vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea
With the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it
Is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she
Knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right
Questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate. "

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please
Answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father
Has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs
Up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old
Friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I
Wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and
This child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and
Get back to you?" Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up.
Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they
Puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come
Up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother
Has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
Your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I
Know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

_________________
http://www.youtube.com/v/ervaMPt4Ha0&autoplay=1My build up

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Crisis Hotline. I was put through to a call center in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal.



They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.

_________________
http://www.youtube.com/v/ervaMPt4Ha0&autoplay=1My build up

NOW I KNOW WHY...






When a woman wears a leather dress,


A man's heart beats quicker,





His throat gets dry,





He goes weak in the knees,





And he begins to think irrationally.





Did you ever wonder why???









It's because she smells like a new truck!!!











--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_________________
"YOU CAN MAKE THINGS HAPPEN, WATCH THINGS HAPPEN OR WONDER WHAT THE F$$K HAPPEND...WE'RE MAKING THINGS HAPPEN" The strong words of Captain Phil! Rest in peice!

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
ball of string on the counter.She says, confused, " Sir, I thought you were
looking for some tampons for your wife?He answers, " You see, it's like
this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;
cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.So, I figure if I have to roll my
own .......... so does she.
(This guy has to be the one on the milk carton!)

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

One for the ladies:

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you !

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

[quote='D. Marks']Winter Statistic
99.9% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER .01% ARE BUGGY RIDERS AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'[/quote]

Thats exactly what I do!!!wife hates it.

aaron

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.'

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet ...

'Well, f -- ckin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!'

_________________
http://www.youtube.com/v/ervaMPt4Ha0&autoplay=1My build up

I had just finished my Christmas shopping for the day and was leaving the mall when I heard a very quiet whimper coming from a little boy sitting on the sidewalk. I was concerned when I didn't notice any adults around him. As I approached, I could see he was holding a $100 bill in his hand. I said, "What's the matter, little boy? Where are you parents?" The boy, with a very soft voice said, "My mom is at home with my two brothers, and four sisters. My dad isn't around anymore. Mom sent me here to get Christmas presents for the family. She gave me all the money she had, $200." "So why then are you sitting here crying?" "Someone took my other $100." "Did you scream for help?" "Yes." "And no one came to help you?" "No." "Well, how did you scream for help?" And in his soft voice, barely audible the boy let out a, "help, help." So realizing that no one could possibly hear him screaming for help, I grabbed the other $100 and ran to my car.

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

I thought the grinch was green....not purple? That was funny though

I can see you doing that.

Hes probly the one that took the first hundred!!

_________________
"YOU CAN MAKE THINGS HAPPEN, WATCH THINGS HAPPEN OR WONDER WHAT THE F$$K HAPPEND...WE'RE MAKING THINGS HAPPEN" The strong words of Captain Phil! Rest in peice!