I was walking by the local mental hospital the other day, and all the people on the other side of the fence were yelling "17...17...17...17..." So I looked through the hole in the fence to see what was going on, and someone poked me in the eye.
Then they all started yelling "18...18...18...18..."

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

This is such a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.



As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

---George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die
and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and
ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call
Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs
him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth call England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6
million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.


Finally George Bush gets his turn and talk for 4 hours.
When he was finished the devil informed him that
there would be no charge for the call
and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA free.

The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the
country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Remember Abbott and Costello?
Costello is shopping for a computer and calls Abbott's computer store.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Dearest Redneck Son,I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days..
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

Damn it man, that's sounds like one of my post

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there with me. When my business failed, you were right there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.... You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you're bad luck. Get the heck away from me."

If this is a repost.........tough.......

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
This is a very exciting program.

I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

---------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers..

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?

A. Shut up or you don't get your check.



Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

1. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.

2. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.

3. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.

4. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras or Guatemala.

5. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

6. If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

7. If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses and be hidden in offshore accounts.



Or, you can keep the money in America by:

1. spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or

2. going to baseball or football games, or

3. hiring prostitutes, or

4. buying cheap beer or

5. getting tattoos.

These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US.

Conclusion:

The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Good post Gary,, I buy nothing from Walmart nothing nota never

I can't say I've never been Rock but I can probably count the number of times on my fingers.
And that was because I had little or no choice.

Even then I left feeling like I needed shower..........

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Ok Rock , so where do you buy everything from?

post Gary,, I buy nothing from Walmart nothing nota never[/quote]

_________________
Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

My wife shops on line mostly ...Heck you can get it delivered cheaper than going to town .
We get all of our food stuff from our local market that is locally owned Plus they will cut a steak just like you want it I had rather pay more and shop local .

What turned me was when Mr.Sam Walton was alive the trucks,building,and everything else had USA on them.... now they don't even have too many full time positions ,That way they don't have to pay any benefits It's all about the money No quality just quantity

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

_________________
Why do I hate everyone?...................because they deserve it

'Nuff said.............

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

The Stores
===========

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York
City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how
the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic
Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as
proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for
shopping at The Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened
The Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and can
really cook.

The third floor has wives that love sex, have money, can really
cook and are drop dead gorgeous.


The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

One winter morning a husband and wife in central South Dakota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.


The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......" Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

Good one Jason..........

Her is a couple more along those lines

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down
next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man
on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You
know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar
and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news,
and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't
think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...

-------------------------------------------------

A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now get the hell out.

---------------------------------------------------------

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Just when you think your day can't get any worse!!

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

Heavenly Father,



Within the past year, you have taken away my favorite dancer, Michael Jackson,

my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my

favorite comedian, Soupy Sales, my favorite pitchman, Billy Mays and my favorite

sidekick, Ed McMahon.



Just so you know, my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and

Harry Reid.



Thank you, Amen

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

Why parents drink ________________

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

'Yes.'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, 'No .'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman '.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,' The search team just landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME .'

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

THE AMISH ELEVATOR




First time an Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They

were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,

silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,

'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room..

The walls closed and the boy and his father

watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light

in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your mother.'

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

New Country Song Titles


17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number One song is . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Dave,' he replies.

'Dave what?' the officer asks.

'Just Dave,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Dave, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Dave Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Dave Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Dave Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Dave Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Dave Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Dave Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Dave.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]