Transfer of Delivery Pains

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing
new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.

Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the
father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed�monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking�her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her�extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.�

She made a mistake, however, when she�accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon..�


She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there�
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.� He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..


Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... Walked home ...� and left it there all night.

(You gotta love Frank!)�

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

wrong spot!

_________________

_________________

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
>> taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
>> ______________________________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>> ______________________________ ______________
>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> WITNESS: I forget.
>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
>> ______________________________ _____________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We both do.
>> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We do.
>> ATTORNEY: You do?
>> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>> ______________________________ ______________
>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>> ______________________________ ______
>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
>> ______________________________ _____________
>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
>> ______________________________ ___________
>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>> WITNESS: Getting laid
>> ______________________________ ______________
>> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>> WITNESS: None.
>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
>> Can I get a new attorney?
>> ______________________________ ______________
>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> WITNESS: By death.
>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>> WITNESS: Take a guess.
>> ______________________________ ______________
>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>> WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
>> ______________________________ _______
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
>> ______________________________ ___________
>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
>> What school did you go to?
>> WITNESS: Oral.
>> ______________________________ ___________
>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>> ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
>> ______________________________ ______________
>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
>> ______________________________ ________
>> And the best for last:
>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>> WITNESS: No.
>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>> WITNESS: No .
>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
>>
>>
>>
>> And that, my friends, is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.
>>
>>

_________________
Kathy
"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man".
http://www.dandkoff-roadpark.com/forum.html

Not sure if you guys ever hear the term NEWFY but it is the Province of Newfoundland and Labrador on Canada's East coast. In short we are called Newfie and tend to make jokes about ourselves.

A newfie is driving around Toronto in a Volkswagen Beetle and a guy in a big old Mercedes Benz's pulls up beside him at a set of street lights. Newfie rolls down the window and says to the other driver. He cocky you got a Cell phone in that car. He replies Yes I do. Newfie said so do I and drove off. Next set of lights , the Benz's pulls up again, Newfie says Hey cocky you got a Fax machine in that car. Sure do , Newfie said me to and drives off again. The guy in the Benz's is wondering what the hell is this guy up to. Next set of lights, Newfie asked him if he had a fridge in the Benz's . Well yes it comes standard, newfie said I got one to and drives off. By now the Benz's driver is thinking how the hell does he have that stuff in that little Beetle. Next set of lights the Newfie asked , Hey cocky Do you have a bed in the car, Benz's driver said no in a snotty voice, Newfie says I got a double in mine and drives off around the corner and disappears. The Benz's driver is now pissed off at this point and starts looking for a Garage to do some modification to his car. Finds a specialized shop that does car mods and tells the owner . I don't care what it cost and what you have to do but I want a king sized bed in the back of that car. A week later he picks up car and starts driving all around Toronto looking for this little Newfie in his pathetic Volkswagen Beetle. I am going to show him this time. Late at night he finally spots the beetle parked in a back alley way. Pulls up along side , gets out of his car and goes to the Newfie's Car. Windows are all steamed up the car is rocking a little. Not sure if he wants to disturb him or not. Screw this he said I am going to do one better then him this time. Knocks on the window and yells, Hey Newfie, no reply, does it again, Hey newfie, still no reply. Pounds on the window this time and yells Hey Newfie at the top of his lungs. The window comes down about 2 inches and two little eyes appear from the dark interior, steam rolling out the window. Newfie says , What do you want. The Benz's driver says I got one better then you, I have a King sized bed in the back of that car now.

Newfie looks at him and says. You got me out of the shower to tell me that !! The Benz's driver is currently recovering from severe depression

_________________
Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

THE PIPER

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He
had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being
a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault
lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to
play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I
played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I
played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers
say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the best, pays the $500 and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea... It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe -
Well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -
cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.

THE END.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker uncle

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Little johnny and little Suzie were playing in the sand box at school and they was bored of the games they already knew so they figured they would ask their parents if they knowed new and games.

Little suzie went home that night and asked her mom if she knew any games they could play, her mom said what ever you do don't let little boys park his truck in your garage.

Little johnny went home and asked his dad the same thing, he said to try to park his truck in girls garage.

The next day Little Johny and Little Suzie was playing in the sand box again and little johny said i know a game we can play, about 5 minuets goes by and the teachers hear little suzie scream, the teachers asked what happened and she said that little johnny tried to park his trruck in her garage so i ripped his back tires off.

A man, seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Dept., is being interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Liberal Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asks.

"That's the attitude we're looking for," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"


*******************************************************************************************************************************

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to
hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth..

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks
for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost
is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was
finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the
call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA free. The devil replied, Since Obama became
president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local
call....

Not sure if this is where to put this, but oh well.

Can you cry under water?�


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?�


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'?� Where's that extra penny going to?�



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?�


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?�


What disease did cured ham actually have?�


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?�

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?�


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?�



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?�


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?�


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?�
They're going to see you naked anyway..�


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?�


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?�


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?�



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?�


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?�
They're both dogs!�


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?�


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?�


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?�


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?�


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?�


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?�


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?�

Why, Why, Why�


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?�

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone�believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?�


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?�

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?�

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?�

If people evolved from apes,�
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses�
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?�

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light���������������������������������fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where the hell you're going?'�

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?�

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.......�
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.�

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

Subject: A SENIOR'S LETTER TO THE BANK
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.


I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.


I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.


Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.


I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Let me level the playing field even further.


When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.


Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client
Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman.
'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS'!!!!!
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with
that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All
Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name: Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity. ......

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

The Muslim QB.

The coach finally had put-together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders. Only thing missing was a good quarterback. He'd scouted all the colleges, and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching Fox News, he saw a war zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15 story window 100 yards away.

KAH-BOOM!!!

He threw another hand grenade 75-yards away, right into a chimney !!!

KAH-BLOOEY!!!

Then he threw another one at a passing car doing 90 mph -- BULLS -EYE! "I've GOT to get this guy!", the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!".

So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football. And, when the coach asks him what he wants, all that the young man wants is to call his mother!

"Mom!", he screams into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!".

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says, "You are NOT my son!".

"I don't think you understand, Mother", the young man pleads, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the WORLD! I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!!!".

"NO!! Let me tell you!", his mother sharply retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!".

The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never, EVER forgive you for making us move to Oakland ".

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to
grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a
son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'

During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was
using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be
at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . .

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 – If at first you don’t succeed…skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

LMAO I need a t-shirt for each one of those And yes your headlights would work, but they would have to be on before you started to move. anyfaster then the speed of light and they would not

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[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

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One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you
tomorrow,

_________________

A Texas rancher in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door…
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard.."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Hillbilly vasectomy............


After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor,

'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

(You'll love this.)

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , MOST of Georgia , and West Virginia ..

_________________
Air cooled forever,i hate rusty tools!!!!!!!

Now that is FUNNY!

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