AND sneaky

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

That's some HILARIOUS crap there, my friend The whole short people thing especially tickled me.......... You need to go on the road

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man
and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a
pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the
sky and, with a single esture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so
patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you
have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'


------------------------- AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU THINKING DIRTY MIND???--------------------------

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

So corny, but funny still!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Damn funny Darlene..........I about sh*t............
I gotta tell this to my UPS driver...........

Next:

U.S. Navy releases Al Qaeda Terrorist
I can't believe it!!!!!

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisoner aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.

In a humanitarian gesture, the terrorist was given $50 US Check and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy.





















Later Achmed, have a good trip..................

Thanks Leather

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Too bad ol' Achmed wasn't in a greyhound bus, packed to the ceiling with a passel of his closest friends

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A man walks into a drug store and asks the clerk for some condoms with pesticide--the clerk asks don't you mean spermicide--the man says no--my girlfreind has a bug up her ass and I'm gonna kill it.....

_________________
My goal is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body,but,rather to slide in sideways,totally worn out,beat to hell,shouting "Holy Cow!!What a Ride!!"

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, Silly," the blonde said, "first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot, and
cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied... "Two popsicles and some coffee."

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day?
Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now?
Are you going to be okay?" he asks.

"No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

A man and his wife are driving down the highway having a fight over the
husband sleeping with another woman. The wife takes out a knife and cuts of the
mans penis and throws it out the window. The penis splats onto the windshield of
the car that is following and rolls off. The 14 year old girl riding with her
dad says "What was that Dad?" The father says "It was just a bug honey". The
daughter replies "Wow Dad, that bug sure had a big dick

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

An Idaho woodpecker and a Montana woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Idaho woodpecker said Idaho had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Montana woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Idaho woodpecker was amazed.

The Montana woodpecker then challenged the Idaho woodpecker to peck a tree in Montana that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Idaho woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So the two flew to Montana where the Idaho woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem.

Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the Montana woodpecker was able to peck the Idaho tree and the Idaho woodpecker was able to peck the Montana tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state? Huh

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion..............

Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the ole days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

Doctor Joe had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just
couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring
voice in his head that said: 'Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't
the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients
and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Joe.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality whispering: 'Joe, you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard.'

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

HH That's just WRONG

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Have you ever heard of a Southern Fortune Cookie???.........it's a peice of cornbread with a food stamp inside.

_________________
My goal is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body,but,rather to slide in sideways,totally worn out,beat to hell,shouting "Holy Cow!!What a Ride!!"

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud . I will race you
around the farmhouse Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,
just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farm-house
and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as
hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the
young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill,
wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance.

_________________
If your clutch ain't slippin,, you probably got it adjusted right!!!!!

One dark night outside of Westlake , a small town in Louisiana ,
a fire started inside the local chemical plant
and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene,
the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.
They must be saved. I will give $50,000
to the fire department that brings them out intact.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in
as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out
that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department
who could bring out the company's secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard
as another fire truck came into sight.
It was the nearby Cajun Hackberry Rural Township
Volunteer Fire Company, composed mainly of Cajuns over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine
roared right past all the newer sleek engines
that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched
as the Hackberry old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire
and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Cajun old timers had extinguished the fire
and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced
that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000,
and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local KPLC TV news reporter rushed in
to capture the event on film, asking the chief,
'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Whall,' said Boudreaux, the 70-year-old fire chief,
'Da first ting we gonna do is fix dem dere brakes on dat truck!'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March." one for.............

_________________
If your clutch ain't slippin,, you probably got it adjusted right!!!!!

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

TWO WHALES, A MALE AND FEMALE, WERE SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN ONE DAY DURING THE EARLY 1800S WHEN THE MALE SEES A FAMILIAR WHALING VESSEL. SHOCKED AND OUTRAGED HE SCREAMS "THAT IS THE SHIP KILLED MY FATHER!!" IN A FURY, HE QUICKLY DEVISES A PLAN TO DESTROY THE SHIP. HE ASKES THE FEMALE TO SWIM WITH HIM UNDER THE SHIP SO THEY CAN BLOW OUT OF THEIR BLOW HOLES AND BLAST THE BOAT TO BITS. LIKE A LOVING COMPANION, THE FEMALE AGREES AND THEY BOTH PROCEED TO CARRY OUT THE MISSION. AFTER DOING JUST AS THEY SET OUT TO DO, THE MALE LOOKS BACK AND NOTICES THAT THE SAILORS WERE STILL ALIVE AND FLOATING ON PIECES OF THE DESTROYED SHIP. INSTANTLY THE MALE WAS FURIOUS AGAIN. HE ASKS THE FEMALE TO GO BACK AND HELP HIM EAT THEM ALLL ALIVE. THE FEMALE RESPONDS AS MOST WOMEN DO. "NOPE!! NO WAY IN HELL!! I AGREED TO THE BLOWJOB BUT I AM NOT SWALLOWING THE SEAMEN!"

_________________
i dont always ride my buggy but when i do im glad it has a bad ass bow tie makin the horsepower

Jesus loves me, but everyone else thinks im an asshole.

Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry, ' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
;
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' said Bob.
'Did you, ‘er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. 'I have to admit that I did.'
;
'And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
;
'She just died and left me everything.'

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

> Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a LOUISIANA GENTLEMAN
> are all working together one day.
>
> They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
> 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says
> the Genie.
>
> The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
> the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
>
> POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
> forever fertile for farming.
>
> Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,
> Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
> can come into our precious land.'
>
> POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
> around those countries.
>
> The CAJUN MAN says, 'I am very curious.
> Please tell me more about this wall.'
>
> The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick
> and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's
> virtually impenetrable.'
>
> The Louisianian sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
> smiles and says,
>
> 'Fill it with water.'

_________________
harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government