Spring Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday July 3, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands.
I went into the local Coffee shop for a snack....

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out,
there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.....

His sensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating waste of tax money...'
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first....

He then began writng a third ticket when I called him a fat moron .
This went on for over 15 minutes.
The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote......

Personally, I didn't really care.
I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on
had one of those bumper stickers that said, *'Obama in '08.'*

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

turbo you are a joke machine,thanks for taking the time to make us laugh,i know i am not the only one that reads these but i thought i'd say thank you to everybody that has posted jokes on here.i love a good joke but i always screw them up and it never comes out right,i especially liked nitro mudders deer story i bout pissed my pants laughing at that one.so thanks guys.chad

_________________
NOW GAS IT!!!!!

Thanks and that was a helluva deer story............


Rob is in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down.
He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while his girlfriend is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her Rob, "You need more tail."

Rob turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Try this:


Pick the month you were born:

January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I smoked
April--I dry humped
May--I choked on
June--I murdered
July--I did the Macarena with
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a Mexican
6-------a gangster
7-------my cell phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-------my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18-------a spoon
19-------myself
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an ipod
29-------a permanent marker
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:

White----------because I'm cool like that
Black-----------because that's how I roll.
Pink------------because I'm NOT a homosexual.
Red------------because the voices told me to.
Blue-----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green---------because I hate myself.
Purple---------because I'm cool.
Gray----------because I was drunk
Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange-------because I hate my family.
Brown--------because I was high.
Other-------because I'm a ninja.
None--------because I can't control myself


Mine was:

I yelled at my cell phone because I was drunk...........

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

mine says, I dry humped a fork cause thats how i roll

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harleys and vws----ac all the way

I love my country, But i fear my government

WoW! "I Murdered a football player because i was high" I dont even Drink .

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Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

Thanks Chad, and here is another one for all the ones who liked the Deer Joke!

STUN GUN!

>Dear Friends, My wife Lacey is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.
>
>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Lacey.
>
>The occasion was our 2nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
>
>You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
>
>I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would ! not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Lacey what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Lacey to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>
>Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
>
>Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say," don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Not e! : You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.
>
>I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward .! They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

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[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

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you can't make this $h!# up,you need a camera crew to follow you around and put this on tv,you would be a rich man.i'da zapped the cat first. lol.buy the way i need some personal information for this little policy i'm taking out on you.lmao.chad

_________________
NOW GAS IT!!!!!

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

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I had lunch with my brother because I was drunk.

What the hell was I doing drunk at lunch time hmmmmm....musta been buggyin!

_________________
2332cc Air Cooled Screaming Meanie. Predator Singleseat.

"Lets go get stupid"

No, you were high Steve, not drunk............





Bunch of gray shirt wearin' people on here............

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

I did the macarena with a spoon because I'm cool like that.........

Tell me, just how cool can you be if you're

A) doing the macarena and

B) dancing with a spoon?

that's just sad......

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Just be glad your birthday is not April 27th and you have on a black shirt.........

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Gag! That is most certainly NOT how I roll If that HAD been my birthday, I would have never put it on here......I woulda just kept my mouth shut and my fingers still

My poor husband.....I just checked and his would be "I sang to a Llama because I can't control myself" (he doesn't have on a shirt, so I'm guessing "other" for the color..)

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

i think this was firebug
If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story.

A Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Have a great day and remember, laughing is good for the soul!

_________________

I did laugh out loud,,,she had cold hands too

_________________
If your clutch ain't slippin,, you probably got it adjusted right!!!!!

You know you're from California if:

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH.."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18.. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

I lived in San Diego for a year, LMAO at how true that was. And I think I dated Flower?

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

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It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.

Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Deep in the back woods of Baxter County , ARKANSAS , near Mountain Home, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery..







Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.. 'Whoa there,' said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up; don't set it down.... There's another one!' said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . .. .

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

_________________

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who are not."
Thomas Jefferson

Darlene

Here is a test to go along with your redneck joke Darlene...........



This test really can't be cheated on... either you know the answers or you don't. Yankees may score a 2 or 3, whereas the natives typically score around 20+. If you score over 50, you should be living in a trailer park with the Trans Am up on blocks.





Score 3 points per correct answer. You're given 1 point to start.
Answers follow below, so don't peek....



How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?
What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?
Bill Dance is good at what?
What university does Bill Dance root for?
Where did Herschel Walker play (college) football?
After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?
In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?
A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin' language?
What is a chigger?
What is scrapple?
Where is "The Redneck Riviera"?
What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak trees?
What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury,_______________.
What's the common name for a bowfin?
If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?
Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart"?
What are grits made out of?
Who was nicknamed "The Bear"
Why is the Blue Ridge blue?
What did The Baldwin Sisters make?
Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?
What are the radio station call letters that carries "The Grand Ol' Opry"?
Where would you find Vidalia County?
What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?
What instrument did Bill Monroe play? (typically)
How many strings on a banjo? (two possible answers)
When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?
What is a scuppernong?
Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?
Why do you want to eat "high on the hog"?
What color is a John Deere?
What do you call the offspring of a mule?
What will you harvest when you plant "shade"?


Answers:
7
43, red and blue
Fishin'
University of Tennessee
University of Georgia
Hard peanuts
283
French
A red bug (small parasite)
A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
Panama City, FL
Spanish moss
Evinrude
Mudfish
Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
Hank Williams
Corn
Paul Bryant
Because of the pollen
"The Recipe"
Helen
WSM
Georgia
Calf roping
Mandolin
5
The same thing
A wild grape
Yes
Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live high on the hog.
Green
Another trick animal husbandry question Mules are generally sterile.
Tobacco







Ya'll Come Back Now, Ya hear?

Damn, I was just under the Trans Am limit..........

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

I must be a Yankee because I only got 3.

_________________
Water cooled Dry Sumped Subaru Powered Turbo Charged Fuel Injected 2500CC Tank. Oh Rah! He who dies with the most Toys not only wins, He also wears them out!

So you got three answers or three points?

You get spotted one point Steve......

_________________
Gary

Turbo VW Sand Racer
Polaris Ranger



"If you don't run into the Devil every once in awhile, you must be going in the same direction!"

Davis Motorsports FaceBook Page

Damn Ody I gots me a 27 and aint no where near W.V. Did grow up on a farm tho

_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

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